In my opinion, this is a good starter for a poem, but it has no rhythm and the rhyming is all over the place. Either stick to a specific rhyme scheme, or don't have one at all. You have a lot of emotion in this that you clearly want to portray, but if you present it better, people will be more willing to read it, and understand how you feel. Also, you wrote 'loose' when it should be 'lose'.Keep writing