This was good.. the emotion was strong and clear.. and it flowed pretty well..

Deaf my ears when his voice gets near
^ change it to "deafen"

i am pretty sure there were a few other mistakes.. but, im sorry, you'll have to check them yourself.. nice job! 5/5

This was amazing.. i completely understand what you are saying in it. you have so much passion and emotion in it. i love it. nice job..