Comments : Water

  • 17 years ago

    by sweetiepie18

    Super!

  • 17 years ago

    by Wip lost the Rhythm

    I like it, I don't really like the rhyme but thats just me on a personal level

    I think for me it feels out of order
    heres what I think it would sound better as, and theres suggestions in the little [] things along the way as well...

    There are clouds,
    The iron eyes of the gods[a little corny for me, try a softer image, considering ou have so many harder images in the rest of the poem]
    Ready to tip the rain
    And wash away
    The creases on our foreheads.

    Let me weave a magic net
    To catch you
    Before for you fall
    Let me press my fingers
    To your pulsing temples,
    Cooling your mind
    Like water
    My efforts are in vain

    Its not enough
    For you to watch,[listen, feel]
    The gathering tempest in the skies
    Yours is a conflict
    Of a different kind, waiting to force its way
    Out of your eyes,
    Coursing down your arms
    To bunch in a fist,
    Smashing everything within reach,
    Unclenching only when
    The damage is done.

    just a few things because it's so put togather as it is right now, so think about that, but otherwise you'r pretty much finished with editing, or at least I think so lol.

    hope this helps, and keep writing love, thanks for the other comments.

    WIP

  • 17 years ago

    by Pure Silence

    Well after reading that poem I don't see how else to edit it other then what WIP did.

    as a whole the poem is well written but you need to fix the @^#^@ thinges!Lol. and I too personally *oddly enough* dont prefer ryheme schemes.Sorry. but yeh again good poem laura i dont see much to chnage other then that.

  • 17 years ago

    by motley girl

    There ISN'T a rhyming scheme!1 i didn't realize there was one, actually.im still having difficulty seeing it heh heh. it's not intended to be there, though, for clarification,my dear fishies...