Comments : A heavy heart

  • 12 years ago

    by Rahl The Layman Lord

    A good poem. I would suggest working on the flow a bit...i know its hard to read any poem when you did not write it but the better the flow the less distracted the reader will be.

  • 12 years ago

    by N J Thornton

    Hmm...I always find suicide poems to be melodramatic and I rarely give a positive feedback because I find the subject so cliche.
    However, there were certain parts I liked.
    The first two lines used strong diction, but unfortunatly that style of diction was lacking from the rest of the poem.
    The description "Death's scythe" was very powerful, and it makes me think maybe this description, and the reference to the silver blade are pleonasms, therefore you could just get away with using the strongest image.
    I thought the ending was weak. There was no actual reason given for the suicide, yet aparently you love the world, so why kill yourself then?
    Anyway, thanks for sharing.

  • 10 years ago

    by CanUKissAwayMyPain

    Of late, I climb into bed and sigh.
    My heart heavy with sorrow and loss.

    i like it how you open the poem with great emotions. nice.

    What do you do when the world makes you cry?
    What do you do when all joy fades?

    nice questions. the hardest questions are always the Why!? but there's never any answers i guess just more questions. i like this part.

    I lay in bed and look up to the shining stars.
    Tears of pain stain my face, a broken mask.

    the flow was a bit off here. i like "Tears of pain stain my face" it says a lot to me.

    A small silver blade, Death's scythe in disguise.
    I fade as my life pools onto the floor.

    a very imagey in my mind. awesome i like it.

    Before I go to sleep dear World, heed my words.
    I love you all, friend or enemy, familiar or stranger.

    nice... that u love all the people around you.

    Please forgive this heavy heart for drowning.

    Wow awesome way of closing your piece. i love it. u did an amazing job here. please do keep it up. i shall be reding on.
    5/5

    TaKe CaRe,
    Frenchy

  • 10 years ago

    by Italian Stallion

    Interesting write for me, after reading a majority of your work, I can see your style of writting is in the short form with impactful words and imagery. Nice write, keep up the good work!

    Peace, Joe

  • 10 years ago

    by Christina Gomes

    I like this.
    "A small silver blade, Death's scythe in disguise."
    capitalizing "Death" gives it more significance and meaning

    I think this is a good job and think if you put more thought and effort into creating metaphors your poems will improve :]
    good job so far

  • 10 years ago

    by Faithless

    Wow I like how you penned down this in a subtle suicide note kindda manner.I can feel the sorrow within the last words of the protagonist.

    A small silver blade, Death's scythe in disguise.
    I fade as my life pools onto the floor.

    ^^^ This stanza stood out for me and you have a great imaginery here that allows me as the reader to visual the scene.

    Excellent Job
    5/5