Comments : Role Model

  • 17 years ago

    by HOLLYWOODxBANGBANG

    I am speechless,
    Lol. Once again,
    You have really pulled me into this one,
    and it had quite the effect on me,
    first celebrity that popped into my head
    was Lindsay Lohan, haha.
    Anyways, I really loved this, it was flawless
    except in the line..
    "She's can barely remember"
    Change "She's" to "She"

    5.5
    =]

  • 17 years ago

    by Midnight Sun

    This was very powerful. I liked it a lot. I think a lot of parents stick their kids in front of the tv thinking that keeps them occupied with harmless things, but really kids learn to look up to the worst role model of all.
    But again, I think your flow is off in a couple lines. Like : Like the cold, hard bathroom floor. ... I think it would flow better with it companion line if you took either word out (cold/hard)...and this line: But there's a man in her own bed. I think that would flow better if you took out "own". Just better syllable wise. But again, other than that the message is very powerful.
    I really like how your changing a few of your poems up a little and breaking out of the love poem theme...one I'm afraid I'm still stuck in! Lol. :) 5/5 just the same Heehee!
    ~Midnight Sun

  • 16 years ago

    by Jenni Marie

    I love this...the opening stanza pulled me right in and from there on it just kept getting better and better.
    This poem definitely produced some thought provoking questions for me.
    I thought in one ot two lines the flow seemed a little off, but apart from that you did a wonderful job.