I have been through something similar, I loved your poem, and i know how much it sucks and hurts...but it does get better. Easyer said than done though huh? YOu can check mine out if you want. I gave you a 5, keep writing.

hey Paul,
Gosh it hurts.. and it hurts more if you cant let go. I couldn't let go for a long while, but I guess I'm cured now. I don't know really, everytime you think you're cured the next day you collapse!
anywayz, your poem is excellent! but I believe you can do a lot better than thet! This is my honest opinion, if you shift your concentration from rhyming to your feelings more, and let words come out by themselves I know your poems will have deeper meanings.
You have talent, grow it!

Good luck!
:)