I LOVE the idea for this piece and all the great imagery that you use in it, but I think your flow is shaky. Try counting your syllables a little more closely. It will help the poem to flow smoother as the reader goes through it. :)
*ME*

I love this poem

Awwww
dats really good
5/5
its depressing... i like depressing
most of my poems are depressing or abou death
i loved it
keep writing

That pain that tortures the poets heart can not be escaped from. good words and a nice flow of thoughts...

I love this poem
its amazing
great work on all your poems
5/5

Cool poem dude!! srry i'm crazy!! LOL =)