Comments : What You Don't Know

  • 15 years ago

    by Mask of Pain

    This poem was my fav.I send it to my friend and she just loved it. Good job.

  • 15 years ago

    by AngelicDecadence

    I'm falling now
    But at least its the right direction
    ^"Its" should be "It's"
    I'm falling faster now
    Or is it imagination
    ^I think in this part of the song you should add "my" in between "it" and "imagination" it sounds better and helps the flow of the song as you read/sing it.
    Like that of your face
    In my vertigo blurred eyes
    Like that of your taste
    In my bitten and swelled up skies
    ^I liked this part. Very well done.

    I'm falling now
    But at least its my intention
    ^Again "its" should be "it's" I know I'm being picky but if your grammars correct it actually means more then you'd think.
    I'm falling faster now
    Exceeding expectations
    Of my generous motivations
    ^This part I liked as well, bravo.

    And what you don't know is that you need it now
    And you need it now
    So let it out
    And what you don't know is that you need it now
    So let it
    Everything around
    And what you don't know is that you need me now
    And you need me now
    So get me now
    And what you don't know is that I love you now
    Yes I love you now
    So I let it out
    ^Flawless transition.

    It's darker now
    Your hands are my decisions
    ^Hmm.. This might mess up what you're trying to say, but for me, "destinations" would be better than "decisions"
    It's growing darker now
    But your heat is my vision
    A radar sense
    In order to touch your skin
    Does it make any sense
    That I'm willing to give anything
    ^here is seems like somethings missing.

    It's darker now
    But I can still see
    It's growing darker now
    But I can see beauty
    And I'm going to say to it
    ^Here, it seems like something is missing or added, here i think its added, maybe delete the second "to" and just make it "And I'm going to say it" since that fits the other lines as well.

    And what you don't know is that you need it now
    And you need it now
    So let it out
    And what you don't know is that you need it now
    So let it
    Everything around
    And what you don't know is that you need me now
    And you need me now
    So get me now
    And what you don't know is that I love you now
    Yes I love you now
    So I let it out

    Climb with me
    To the highest we've seen
    ^I'd change "we've" to "we have" since thats as all the others are, it seems out of place and random as is.
    Sing with me
    On the highest we have seen
    Hold me
    Night's shadows we love to see
    Climb with me
    To the highest we have seen

    And what you don't know is that you need it now
    And you need it now
    So let it out
    And what you don't know is that you need it now
    So let it
    Everything around
    And what you don't know is that you need me now
    And you need me now
    So get me now
    And what you don't know is that I love you now
    Yes I love you now
    So I let it out
    That's what you don't know
    That's what you don't know
    That's what you don't know
    That's what you don't know

    Overall, beautifully done. Aside from the little mistakes and suggestions I mentioned, this was a very good song. I liked it. :]

    Bravo.

  • 12 years ago

    by BlueJay

    Terrific job. I love this piece, you have done an excellent job.