Comments : Two Loves

  • 12 years ago

    by Tripp

    What you lacked in rhyme you more than made up with some amazing emotion and meaning...I could picture almost this entire poem as I read it.

    my favorite two lines are

    "He remembers smiling up at her,
    knowing he ment forever."

    My only real advice is to try to improve your spelling...and that's a large compliment coming from me. All I can really find fault with is your spelling, which is obviously a result of carelessness. You have some great skill at your disposal. Keep it up.

  • 12 years ago

    by Nix

    Well, this is interesting, I admire the entire idea of this poem but I think that you could write it even better.
    Honestly I don't like the fact that you used-he- and -she- too many times, also repetition of some words left a really bad impression on me, but anyway that is just my opinion.
    All in all good topic, you showed greatly that this piece holds so many emotions but with some powerful metaphor you could express feelings on more unique way.
    Overall I am not a fan of love typical love poetry but you have nice rhythm here, I think that you wrote interesting poem but it could be even better with stronger choice of words in some parts.

  • 12 years ago

    by XxToWriteLoveOnHerWristxX

    Amazing read. it was full of emotion and i think it was great even if it didn't rhyme. i could picture everything. 5/5 !props!

  • 12 years ago

    by Ash

    Amazing poem. Love the contrast between two different people's emotions that flow through them. Keep it up! 5/5

  • 12 years ago

    by she

    Interesting poem, liked how you explained both views so well

  • 12 years ago

    by Illusion

    I think one of the best poem i have ever read .
    you have made an excellent effort to portray the feelings of both (guy and girl) .this is exceptional .
    you have properly knit the words .

  • 11 years ago

    by xToBeWithYoux

    Wow, this is a great write, written in a very unique way... I think it works really well, and the whole concept of two lives meeting in a moment is tastefully recorded :D

    She walks down the hall,
    barely glancing his way.
    He walks past her,
    wishing things were different.

    ^^ I think this is a good way to start, as you don't make it obvious that it is from two perspectives, but you make it noticed, if that makes sense :D

    She remembers the past week,
    wishing they hadn't happened.
    He remembers the past months,
    wanting them to keep going.

    ^^ Slight grammar correction, in the first line it should be 'weeks' instead of 'week'. Or, on the other hand, you could change the second line so they match up properly. But this is good, I love the contrasting views.

    She wishes he wasn't her first love,
    then maybe she wouldn't be hurting.
    He wanted her as his first love,
    then maybe he wouldn't have hurt her.

    ^^ The tense shifts on the male part here, for the female it is present tense but for the male it switches to past subtly. You might want to work on that, but otherwise very good:)

    She wants him out of her life,
    never seeing him again.
    He wants to be with her,
    to love and to hold her.

    ^^ This is well written, and portrayed. I like the last line, it sounds very similar to (British) wedding vows, which I think is quite sweet.

    She thinks of his amazing blue eyes,
    thinking they are finally resistable.
    He sees her light brown eyes,
    knowing they are irresistable.

    ^^ The same thought, but different opinions. Love it :D

    She sees the way he smiled up at her,
    feeling he was going to hurt her.
    He remembers smiling down at her,
    knowing he ment forever.

    ^^ Okay, does he smile up or down? Lol it seems he was shorter than her for the first two lines, but then taller in the second two. Either line needs adjusting for it to make sense. Also, 'ment' should be 'meant', but otherwise, a good stanza :)

    She feels a tear,
    slowly traveling down her cheek.
    He feels a few tears,
    creeping up on him.

    ^^ The male sense of emotion isn't often played on in poems, but this very subtly shows that men do have a more emotional side then a lot of men let on :) Also, does 'traveling' have two 'l's or one? It might be a different spelling in the US, I'm not sure :S But otherwise, niceee

    She wipes the tear away,
    knowing she'll always remember him.
    He blinks his tears away,
    knowing he'll always love her and want her.

    ^^ A good ending to a good poem. However, I would change the last line (or second line) so they match. Personally, I think that this would be a very effective ending, because they have been thinking differently throughout the whole poem, but then at the end they think the same thought. That's my opinion though :D

    Overall, a very good write. I have told you my thoughts on the stanzas, and hopefully you will correct the mistakes so the poem will get that little bit better. It's kinda perfect anyway so the smallest correction would make it totally awesome :D This gets a 5 from me, well done!

    Keep writing,
    Em :)

  • 11 years ago

    by AnCi

    OMG! I felt my tears coming while I was reading your poem! I LOVE IT!! =) It is being added to my favourite-poems list...