The early bird gets the worm

but the second mouse gets the cheese

I saw cards that said "get well soon"
.. F**K that! Get well now

demitri martin

Few women admit their age
few men act theirs

My friend made a new game... the way you win is by not thinking about the game...once you think of the game you lose the game...

you just lost the game <_<

Why is it old men declare war
yet the young fight our war...

have you ever lost your child?

Friendly Fire
isn't....

I like escalators
because the can never break
they can only become stairs

"sorry of the convenience"
-Mitch Hedberg

Two whales were swimming and saw a boat

so they go and blow bubbles under the boat

After the whale said to eat the sailors

the girl whale said no, i did the blow job but i refuse to eat the sea men

*from a joke book*

Doc ive been feeling a little paranoid!

I know!

Really?? How?

ohh...you parents, friends, and co-workers all told me

You won't be safe in my house
there's a tiger in the bed