Even as a kid, I was a little s***. The teacher would ask us "Who do you want to be like when you grow up?"
I would tell her "No one, I want to be like me."
The pink time-out chair and I were well aquainted.

Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio...

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

The magician and the politician have much in common: they both have to draw our attention away from what they are really doing.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet

They say the pen is mightier then the sword.. But I bet they never noticed, it's considerably easier to write with as well.