This girl tweeted at me to DM her. What a weirdo, how am I supposed to Dungeon Master her?

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Mustang and banged all the cheerleaders? I'm the reason he passed calculus.

Fox News: Fair like cancer, balanced like Louis XV

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "an@l" in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

The cashier at the store told me to have a good day like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.

We just got a fax at work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

I hate thinking about what you're capable of doing to my heart.

Her: Are you listening to me? Me: Trying. But when you talk, your boobs jiggle. It's distracting. Her: Grow up. Me: They did it again!

It's tough when someone special starts to ignore you, it's even tougher to pretend that you don't mind.

I wish this conversation had GPS because you lost me about 20 words ago.