Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

Are you free tomorrow? No, I'm fcuking expensive.

The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

Hey autocorrect, stop messing with my damn curse words. You mother forklift.

I don't blame you for hiding your Facebook page...if I had told as many lies and was as ugly as you, I would hide mine too...

I can see you dancing in that stranger's arms. My world hasn't stopped turning but it's falling apart. Every breath that I take is a little closer to sane. Yeah, they say that time is a healer but it's still a long, long ways away.

Let me ruin your life, let me break your heart, then I'll ask you why we can't be friends. Let me rip your world into little pieces, let me destroy who you thought you were, and then I'll ask if we can be friends.

I love you... don't ever think that I don't, and don't ever forget that I do.

Love is not who you can see yourself with. It is who you can't see yourself without.