A Jonestown Tale

  • adie
    17 years ago

    Have you ever heard the stories of Jonestown?
    Of a preacher so horrid he killed all around
    A story of people young and old that died
    Because of Jim Jones' plan of mass suicide

    Filled with paranoia that ultimately killed
    Jones created a plan incredibly skilled
    He deceitfully gathered people who felt weak
    Bringing them to Jonestown as part of his technique

    Isolating them from family and friends
    Jones prepared them for serious ends
    Countless white nights called as preparation
    Telling them death was their only salvation

    And when the day came, the final white night
    His victims were ready without any fright
    They drank a lethal poison to instantly die
    That's how they told the world their goodbye

    So many died on November 18, 1978
    Their ties with Jones had sealed their fate
    909 was the final number found dead
    A murder-suicide that caused so much dread

    The story of Jonestown is sad but real
    We cannot forget despite how surreal
    Next time someone asks you of this tale
    Tell them the story in its grave detail

    ***
    I'd really like to know what people think of this. I'd like to fix it up possibly. Short answers are fine. Is this good or bad?

  • H E Losey
    17 years ago

    You told the story well, perhaps a bit verbose though. The use of too many words can be as bad as too few, especially as they work into your metre.
    (example: "lethal poison" are not most poisons lethal). I think you can say exactly the same story using fewer, yet smoother, words.. As always an opinion.

  • adie
    17 years ago

    I definitely am wordy (with everything). I'll work on that.

    In terms of "Telling them death was their only salvation" that isn't true in all religions. For example, I'm Jewish and that is nowhere near the case. But, anyhow, I guess that needs to be more clear. Jones made them practice the way they were going to die. He was paranoid that outsiders who were visiting were going to shut him down so he told his cult members that they were going to be tortured, so dying would be the only way to save themselves.

    Maybe I'll put that in somehow.