Writing Workshop #1

Hellon aka Miss Take has volunteered one of her poems for analysis. Please add your comments, be they compliments or constructive criticism or explanations for how the poem affected you. Respond in any way you see fit.
Questions are good too, but respect the author and their wishes to edit the poem (or not), and answer questions (or not).

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Love Me...Love Me Not (Shadow Sonnet)

Late summer evening and you are late
moments spent waiting are lost moments
time together, so precious is our time
will you come my love? I pray you will.

Petals plucked at random, scattered petals
love me...love me not, I ask of your love
childish game. Oh, am I being childish?
last petal reveals our love won't last.

Evening cools, did your love this evening
alone with my thoughts I sit...alone
perhaps you are just delayed? Ah perhaps
dusk, scattered petals of love lost at dusk.

You have broken my heart, still I love you
why didn't you come my love, oh why.....

*The shadow sonnet may be written in any sonnet style. The shadow takes place at the beginning and end of each line, the words being identical or homophonic. Rules..14 lines with 9 or 10 syllables per line.

I couldn't make sense of this part:

Evening cools, did your love this evening
alone with my thoughts I sit...alone

Is there a question hidden in there? I feel it could be written more clearly. Otherwise, what a great poem! I don't like the 5 dots at the end, they really should be 3.

I imagine pulling off a shadow sonnet is tricky and difficult, but pull it off you most certainly did. Nice!

"Petals plucked at random, from scattered stems,"

Dee, someone probably already explained this so I'm being redundant, but in a shadow sonnet, the first and last words of every line have to be the same. Hellon wouldn't be able to change the last word to stems...

Pretty tough to keep the poem from seeming repetitive when the whole point is repetition. I think I might try to write one. Thanks for the inspiration, Hell!

An enjoyable read

As with Jane these lines are tricky, its almost as if the two ie

"Evening cools" and "did your love this evening" are not related or connected.

A question mark after evening would help tie the two together (if they are allowed in this style of poetry) i'm not a fan of punctuation either though I think in this case it may be warranted

You have question marks everywhere else where one is warranted... so why not there?

I don't think that line needs any question marks actually!

This is quite lovely. I think formed poetry is best when its form is not even noticed. I thought this poem was free until I spotted certain uncertain lines. I then discovered your shadow poetry explanation and it made sense. But that is no excuse for having weird lines that are lying awkwardly and tainting your sweet poem. I am going to point out the places that gave you away.
Much of it may need punctuation to make a clearer effect. Yet, it would still sound like a bunch of statements anyway...

Late summer evening and you are late
^nice
moments spent waiting are lost moments
^very nice
time together, so precious is our time
^clunky start to a cliche line
will you come my love? I pray you will.
^smooooth

Petals plucked at random, scattered petals
^comma after petals?
love me...love me not, I ask of your love
^effective use of wording and petals
childish game. Oh, am I being childish?
^ clunky start to line
last petal reveals our love won't last.
^very clever

Evening cools, did your love this evening
^huh?
alone with my thoughts I sit...alone
perhaps you are just delayed? Ah perhaps
dusk, scattered petals of love lost at dusk.
^the first dusk seems suspiciously placed

You have broken my heart, still I love you
why didn't you come my love, oh why.....
^flawless

As someone who hides under furniture when asked to do form, I am impressed by this poem and can appreciate how well you've written this, twisting around the meanings of common words so they add another meaning from the start of the line.
It has a nice ye olde feel about it.