Poetry Workshop #4

  • silvershoes
    13 years ago

    Great job on the last poetry workshop, guys! You really stepped it up a notch.

    Here's a poem from britt TC that she would like us to critique.
    Please add your comments, be they compliments or constructive criticism or explanations for how the poem affected you. Respond in any way you see fit.
    Questions are good too, but respect the author and their wishes to edit the poem (or not), and answer questions (or not).

    Purpose

    I could promise you
    a lifetime of opportunities,
    and I could will your
    positive wishes into light,
    though I know that won't do
    until you find your decency.

    You've been given the finest
    silver spoon placed upon
    your clacking tongue, and yet
    you forget to appreciate the
    golden whispers carefully laid
    upon your rambling ears.

    While you're in the midst of
    a skyrocketing turmoil, perhaps
    you can find a way to regret
    the spoiled tantrums that have
    erupted, full of your incessant
    and intrusive chatter.

  • Sylvia
    13 years ago

    The message of the poem is clear, expressed in simple words, easy to understand and read. The poem flows smoothly, none of the lines seemed forced. My personal preference is less I, you, your, you're. I took the liberty of removing some of them that didn't seem necessary and reworded the last line of verse one.

    Questions:
    What inspired you to write this?
    If it is inspired by a person in your life, have you told them how you feel?

    I could promise you
    a lifetime of opportunities,
    and could will your
    positive wishes into light,
    though I know that won't do
    until your decency is found.

    You've been given the finest
    silver spoon placed upon
    a clacking tongue, and yet
    you forget to appreciate the
    golden whispers carefully laid
    upon rambling ears.

    While in the midst of
    skyrocketing turmoil, perhaps
    you can find a way to regret
    the spoiled tantrums that have
    erupted, full of incessant
    and intrusive chatter.

  • Sylvia
    13 years ago

    I have known people like that and you are right it won't do any good to talk to them, it would only give them one more thing to complain about, you. I too have, in my later life, tried to find positive things in all situations plus it keeps me from becoming the complaining person.

  • silvershoes
    13 years ago

    It's actually a very good poem and I like it. I'd edit out some filler words (or what seem to be) however. Here's my edited draft!

    Purpose

    I could promise you
    a lifetime of opportunities,
    and I could will your
    wishes into light,
    though I know that won't do
    until you find your decency.

    You've been given a
    silver spoon laid upon
    your tongue, and yet
    you forget to appreciate
    golden whispers laid
    upon your ears.

    While in the midst of
    turmoil, perhaps
    you can find a way to regret
    tantrums that have
    erupted, full of incessant
    and intrusive chatter.