Coming to terms with myself

Im 18 and im gay , i know im going to come across as some self pitying typical gay guy who was bullied but ive bottled this up for so long that i need to let it out. i dont understand why i am the way i am and if im brutaly honest i wish i wasnt life would be and would of been so much simpler. i want to be an actor im taking 2 years out for life experience and travelling but i find myself getting more and more depressed each day, im lonely i feel as if i have no hope my dreams of life have turned to dust. and dark thoughts invade my mind constantly ive always felt as if there is a hole in my essance that everytime ive been with someone its been filled but then when it ends a peice of me dies with it ive given up on love ive lost faith in humanity and i have no idea how to express myself anymore my own poems confuse me thats why i dont post them here , i want to shout at the world for the injustice i see the things that have happened to me and others i want to die but im too afraid everything ive started had ended up failing i used to believe there was something out there for me now its gone and i feel hollow not devoid of emotion but of hope i find myself having wild fantasies of a life i know wont happen and fleeting dreams that stutter and collapse im broken , the toy that wont work anymore so is kicked under the bed then when found is tossed onto the garbage heap , im sorry i know this is confusing but i needed to say something. - Jamez please help if u can

Anyone ?

Well this is a big step...

In your post you talked about many things you seem to have bottled up for years, so I'm going to take them one at a time.

First you talked about being bullied, and you linked it weirdly to being gay. Why does being gay have anything to do with getting bullied? Do you feel guilty that you're gay, and why? I think you should come to terms with yourself and express your feelings here. If it was something in the past try not to link it to personality. If it's something recent then tell someone about it and confront those who have been bulling you, but in a safe environment. Either way, make friends (who suite you and have things in common, don't try to fit into the wrong group) and always be around them.

Then you talked about not being able to share your poems... you don't have to. They are for you to write and feel relieved. Not all of us share our poems, and not all of us share all our poems. If you would like to share and get feedback try first with your close friends and family, then you can try showing your work to more people.

As for you wanting to be an actor, you need a plan for that and you need to do some research before planning. First to make sure you want this and second to get ready and have a back up plan if this doesn't work for you. You know you'll need a lot of money to start and you do need some experience and/or education to be an actor, it is not one of the easy ways out to life! and you need to be ready for all the privacy invasions, high fashion and ethical standards and other disadvantages of being and actor. You also need to always have hope and a second door to your goal... try breaking it up to little steps and go for it.

Finally, don't worry about love... it just flows into your life, but you still need to pursue it. Another good point to put in here is that love comes through many ways and in many types of relationships, try to focus on those instead of love love, and I'm sure you won't feel as lonely as you do now. Whenever you're looking for the one, make sure to have reasonable standards and expectations for the other and go for people you think will be suitable for you, take it easy and don't be nervous. Experience your personality in love and try to improve it, look at your past mistakes and don't repeat them, look at your strengths and use them... eventually you'll get there.

Ill address a couple of points u made firstly im not an idiot ive planned researched and have attended/ played roles in many different acting workshops plays musicals and even had formal training at RADA and Guildhall school of music and drama i have a plan in place ,
secondly

the most obvious reason i linked bullying with me being gay is probably because for 4 years of my life i have been bullied by others because i am gay not because of any other reason , i came out rather foolishly at school got bullied then came out at home now my father hates me parents on the brink of divorce and dad chucking me out , i wouldnt expect you to understand being gay and everything that comes with it

but what you said about love makes sense ive felt many types of love and yes it is wonderfull but ive lost hope in everything i do im a failure and my dreams of being an actor of travelling of falling in love again have turned to dust thats what i was trying to say ,

thankyou though some things you said made sense :) x

Well if you've had all that training then thats absolutely great!! use it to your advantage.

My brothers both passed away in a period of three years but my one brother was gay, so i do know what you're going through, (I mean, I'm not gay but i was there when my brother told my parents he was gay) and at first they didn't understand it, well not really my mom but my dad because often fathers just have that picture set of their son playing sports and having girlfriends but at the end of the day you are still your fathers son and he obviously just acted purely out of impulse.

As far as bullies go, people will usually bully others because of THEIR own insecurities!! as horrible as it is, they say and do such cruel things because when they are so broken inside they act out of rage and take the pain they feeling and lash it out on someone else, and it truly is a horrible thing!! i becamebulimic and later anorexic because of the mean things people would say and do to me cos when i was younger i was a bit plump and then when they saw how sick i got it was like they couldn't believe it, people only realise how painful their words and actions are once they've destroyed the person.

SO don't give those bullies the pleasure of destroying you, you have so much potential so rather than focusing on all this negative energy focus on your writing and acting!! i know this is a really random bit of information, but I'm currently reading Jenna Jameson's book- "how to make love like a porn star" its really inspired me, she had such a hectic life and she "hooked up" with a couple of girls and a whole bunch of stuff and she went through absolute hell in her life, its just one of those books that when you read it you realise that even the worlds mst famous porn star went through hell getting to where she is now. - just from the things you've mentioned in your post i think you'd really enjoy her book:)

YOU are NOT a faliure, you are just someone who has been totally misjudged with other peoples ignorance, i mean SO WHAT, you're gay, you're still a person and still have feelings so as hard as it is just trust in yourself and remember: this too shall pass!! and what doesn't kill you obly makes you stronger!! i really hope that you feel a bit better:)

At the end of the day YOU are YOU and don't let ANYONE turn you into someone you're not!!

I'm sorry I offended you, it was not my intention. I know you are not an idiot. I usually respond according to the information I get, and since the information was a lot, but not specific I responded in a broad way.

It's good to know you have a plan though, because many people don't (which is why I never took it as being an idiot)

I wish you all the best... Good Luck!

Man its all good