This is a nightmare.

When I was in high school, I dated a boy named Bill for about a year. His mother had died a few years before I met him from cancer, he had leukemia, and while I was with him his father had passed away from lung cancer. About a year and a half after we broke up, he too passed away. It was the most terrible thing I had every experienced, until six months later, my little brother had passed away also.

Bill had a very tight group of friends, they called themselves "brothers". I had met them while we were dating. That's how I met Wayne. It's been about five years since I've known him, and I can honestly say I've had feelings for him since we've met. I never told anyone, but he is just the sexiest, funniest, most wonderful guy in the entire world, perfect for me in every way. However, I knew that it would never be able to happen because he was my ex's "brother" and that was against their "code".

So after Bill and my brother died, Wayne and I stayed friends. He's one of the only people that I'm close with that can really say they know what it feels like to lose a brother. He would come over and talk to me for hours, play the guitar on my porch, and we would just reminisce about the good ole' days when we all used to hang out and get in trouble. He had a pretty serious girlfriend for awhile, and I had my share of boyfriends that we'd talk and joke about, but I always thought how lucky that girl was that he was dating to have him.

A few weeks ago, all of the sudden something changed. We were hanging out and listening to some songs that he wrote and recorded. One of them was about Bill which made me cry. He took my hand and didn't let go, he held me while I cried, and he cried too. And then, he kissed me. He kissed me, and just like that, I knew that it was right.

Five years of raw passion erupted soon after. I was falling for him hard and fast. It was perfect, he was perfect and I was ecstatic. I could tell by the way he looked at me, and held me close that he could feel it too.

Then, he disappeared. Apparently he had asked one of his friends, one of his "brothers" for advice about what to do. This friend told him it had to stop because I was his dead friend's ex and that it was breaking the "code". He told him Bill would kill him if he was still alive... and Wayne believed him... So he told me that it was over. I can't believe it, I'm heartbroken.

He told me that we can't even be friends anymore because of recent events. Which kills me, he and I have been through so much together, we both watched our brothers die. I can't stand the thought of losing him too now. I miss him...

What should I do? I know I love him as more than a friend, but I'm willing to sacrifice my feelings to keep him as a friend. I don't care about anything anymore, except that I'm losing my friend.

Was that friend wrong to tell him this should stop? Maybe Bill would be OK with the rest of us moving on... Maybe he would be happy to see his friends happy?

This is a really messy situation. However, I think it's unfair of Bill's friends to have this response to a burgeoning relationship. The "code" might have been important while Bill was around, but things are very different now. If anything, you'd think that they would believe that Bill would want you (and his friend, too) to be happy, and to have the support of people who can comprehend the situation of having someone close to you die. I don't believe that you are doing anything wrong by liking Bill's old friend, even if it might make you feel strange or a bit guilty.

At least, that's what I would want Wayne and the rest of the brothers to understand. As far as what you can do, though, I'm not sure. It may be that you can't be the one to convince anybody in this situation. I think, if Wayne is able to believe that it's not morally unconscionable to be with you, he might have to be the one to convince the other friends, or at least to stand up for you about it. In the end, it may just take some time.

I'm sorry the situation is so emotionally confusing.

-Sibyllene

^ I agree. If it's that sacred I think it'd be really hard for you to continue your relationship. But how did you start one in the first place? and if they were ok with that, or didn't comment on it, why speak now?

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You split up with Bill 1 year and a half before he died, I think he would be over you if he was alive. This "code" really exists in every male-male relationship, but it has many exceptions. I think your situation is one. You could try talking to Wayne and thinking about the whole relationship and trying to make it ok with the others. You wouldn't have much of a choice if he went with his friends opinions, but talking makes it all final and you may get some logic out of it.

When young people know they are dying, they age decades. They grow wise, especially in those last few weeks or even days... I have full faith that Bill would be happy to see two very special people in his life come together, through him, and find love. There is no jealousy for the dying, only hope for those they are leaving behind. It was ignorant and immature for these so-called "brothers" to make such a harsh and cruel assumption. Unfortunately it seems your boyfriend cannot think for himself, and that is rough, I feel for you.

I recommend talking to the guy who scared your boyfriend off and explaining that your ex who passed away would be happy for you, and he should be too. The two of you were never married, you were young sweethearts...
The two posters above me share similar thoughts I see. They gave good advice.

Don't think you are in the wrong, because you're not. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I hope the boy comes to his senses and comes back to you, but if he doesn't, maybe he is too weak of a man for you anyway. Good luck.

I'm not sure if I should really confront this friend of his. We haven't really talked since my ex died. I feel like it would probably make things worse if I tried to talk to the friend because I know he would just go and tell Wayne what I had said and that would probably make things worse.

I haven't talked to him in about a week... He thinks it's best if we don't talk anymore and that we don't stay friends. I really think he's pushing me away because he has all of these feelings too, and that he feels guilty about them.

I want to talk to him about it, but I don't even know how to talk to him now. It's funny how something that used to be as easy as breathing is the hardest thing in the world now. I wrote him a note that pretty much explains everything in it, but I'm afraid to give it to him. I don't want to seem like a crazy girl who won't take no for an answer, if he want's left alone I'll leave him alone. But I just want him to know how I feel and that he'll always be my friend.

I feel like if he wanted to talk to me, he would have by now, which kills me. I wish I knew how this conversation went down between himself and his friend.

I miss him like crazy. I feel like another one of my friends has died. It's ridiculous how fast things can spiral out of control.

Losing someone you love doesn't have to be by death. It's natural to go through the same stages of coping.
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
I understand your feelings of loss, and understand that he wants to cut all ties because his feelings are too strong to be "just friends." There's no other clear explanation since you have been a valuable person in his life for a long time and you did nothing evil to break that bond. He got scared and ran away. One of his "brothers" didn't approve - unfortunately that's something he couldn't face. He was unable to rationalize independently and form a healthier opinion of the situation.
"It's ridiculous how fast things can spiral out of control." Preach it, sister. The deeper you love, the more painful these letdowns are... but the deeper you love, the more beautiful it is when it's in blossom :)

Think on the letter for a few more days before giving it to him. You seem like an elegant, expressive writer so I'm sure it's nothing too dramatic or irrational. Showing your heart doesn't automatically pin you as "the crazy girl." Even if he were to think that - so what? You're not crazy. You know that.

Thank you so much for all of the advice, it's really helping me more than I can even say.

At this point, I just want my friend back. Bill may have been mad about my relationship with Wayne, but I truly believe that he would be more upset if we didn't resolve these issues and stay friends at the very least. That's basically what my letter says.

These ladies have done a great job of giving you advice. I hope for nothing but the best for you. Also I'm terribly sorry for your loss.