Honesty

To whom may be listening,

This is my first and only attempt at being honest.
I'm afraid I have worn my facade for far too long. It's starting to feel like it's made of tree bark, scratching at my skin. I felt it getting thicker and thicker until I couldn't support its weight anymore.

I sit here, in this basement apartment, with no one to speak to. I am alone. And that reality is almost too hard to accept.

I don't blame you all for leaving. I isolated myself. I am hurting inside and no one should be here to see it.

I truly deep down, hate who I am and who I've become. How can I expect anyone else to love me, when I can't even love myself.

I remember being a kid. I'd wake up early just because I was so excited to be alive. I couldn't wait to start a new day. What happened? Where did I go? Why can't I find you?

I can no longer hold on to any hope that things will get better. I know, with utmost certainty, that this is all I was meant for. I am no one now. Invisible to myself, my family, and any old friends that have since disappeared.

I wish I could give my life to someone else, someone who appreciates it, uses it to its fullest. There are people out there who deserve it way more than me.

I don't know how much longer I'll be here. I won't make any promises anymore. I can feel that I'm reaching the end of my rope and the resolution is only pointing in one direction. The number of people and things that I'll miss is starting to dwindle in comparison to the number of things I won't.

I used to want to fight this, but now I don't. Anyway, thanks for listening. Hope you're out there living it the fullest no matter who you are.

I'm weeping so much right now. -hugs you- i feel that pain

You have described depression so sadly and accurately, shadow. I struggled with similar feelings for years and still do sometimes. I am here if you ever want to talk. You're not alone. I would love nothing more than to be your friend.

The willow knows what the storm does not: that the power to endure harm outlives the power to inflict it.

Shadow, firstly I would like to say well done on putting your feelings out there because it's hard to be honest with yourself never mind with others so that is a huge leap that you did that.

Secondly, as Jane (silver shoes) said you are not alone there are many of us throughout the site and world that feel like this, feel like giving up because there seems no other way and my goodness have I been there many times feeling alone and like there is no other way out but what we have to remember is it's just a bad day, week, month or year not a completely bad life.

Loving yourself is the biggest step you will take and will help alot though I know it will be difficult as I too have been trying to love myself for years after being in two abusive relationships and it stings like a bitch...

I too remember being a kid all excited and thankful for a new day and then things changed so much because of bullies and abuse, It's horrible.

I am too with Jane, if you need to talk about anything you can pm me. I've been told I'm a great listener.

Much live <3