Love contest. Open judging. Serious poets ONLY.

CLOSED! POST YOUR POEMS IN MY OTHER THREAD! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

RULES:

1. Serious poets only.

2. Love poems only.

3. Max. of 1 poem per poet.

4. Don't whine if I'm a harsh judge. These are just my opinions here, I'm only trying to help, not bash.

5. Keep rule #4 in mind.
-----------------------------------------------------------
CHANGE OF PLANS!!!

After I recieve 35 (I repeat, 35) poems, I'm going to close this contest. I'm going to continue until I have ALL of the poems critiqued, and then - here's the special part - I'm going to give you all a sign. Once I give the sign (who knows what it'll be), I want everyone (who is willing) to re-submit their poem. They can re-submit it WITH or WITHOUT the changes that I suggested. I will then sift through the poems that are RE-submitted and pick a few winners (probably 5).

Good luck!

Juliet's Romeo

Interwoven breath through fingertips,
slipping between laced heartstrings,
plucking cords to the tune of Juliet's
fallen Romeo, a lover which cast a
stone into the galaxy; eternal roulette

Entwined sadness displayed in a,
kiss of bitter rasberries stripped,
Too soon of their natural flavor,
Folded inside a used white napkin,
In which thought to live in solitude,

In sensing a symphony cut as,
sweeping eyes gazed upon her,
Beneath intense starlit night,
Keeping in time with a rhythmic
heart, drowning in struggled breath,

Velvet whispers, unspoken words,
Heard through motions tumbling,
Through a lone wandering tear,
Wiped with the back of Romeo's hand,
That soon held the trembling Juliet,

With one kiss; deep inside a soul,
Came Juliet's call for dear Romeo.

Marriage Ceremony
by Tara-Kay

Just about to get married, and my heart is beating fast, I'm scared,
Looking around at everyone, staring at me as I walk up the isle,
I see your handsome face right in front of me, the butterflies return,
I am shaking inside, but I'm trying my hardest to give you a smile.

I'm reminded back to our first date, how I was trembling all over,
I was pretty worried it wouldn't go well, I'd make a fool of you,
But my fears and worried escaped as soon as we started talking,
Afterwards you told me how you were absolutely terrified too.

I hear the vicar talking, but my ears have closed, what's he saying,
All I hear is the sound of my heart constantly beating heavily away,
Cos I still feel my whole body shaking, trembling with pure fright,
I can't believe I'm standing here and that it's my wedding day.

It's been a few years since you and I first met in that cafe on the corner,
Since I first set my eyes on you, since I felt the flutter of the wind on me,
You took me in your arms and took me on a journey out of this world,
And now finally, after all that time, Husband and wife we are gonna be.

You're looking at me, with a cute smile on your peachy coloured lips,
We say our wedding vows, they are the most important words in this,
After I say those words, you know, our love is eternally combined,
You and I are now Husband and Wife, as we are finally allowed to kiss.

It's more passionate than I have ever experienced, I think I'm flying,
Everyone around us seems to vanish, as we are clinched in this embrace,
We will live our lives being happy, together, forever, always, eternally,
I dunno how, it seems as if I'm wrapped with love, kindness and grace.

Back at my mother's house, you and I begin the celebrations, everyone's there,
They're all congratulating us, and wishing us all the best in our life together,
We cut the big wedding cake my mother baked, it is most delicious,
Laughing and smiling is the way we hope we'll be always and forever.

You and I hit the dance floor, moving slowly to the music, you're holding me tight,
Again we are pulled together in an affectionate bliss, that will never ever end,
Everyone begins clapping, we are the centre of everyone's attention, and it's scary,
You may be my husband, my lover, my angel but you are still my best friend.

The Limo is now parked out the front, the chauffeur waiting for us to get in,
We're saying goodbye to all of our friends and our family, we'll seen them soon,
In the limo, we're drinking champagne and cuddling up close, totally besotted,
Off we go, starting our journey all around the world, off on our honeymoon.

© Tara-Kay Randall 2nd July 2006

"Black Swan"
by Wings of an Angel

This lake with all these beautiful trees,
and these perfect little birds.
Wanders a lonely black swan,
Without any saying or words.

She wanders alone in the cold balck night,
Her love is lost and away.
She can't find him, no where,
She looks for him every day.

There is a saying, about the swans,
they are always two and two,
They love each other until death to them part,
They stick together like glue.

Now this swan wanders alone,
the night is back at last,
She can now cry her silent tears,
Thinking of the past.

She doesn't know where he is,
or if he will return.
She misses him, and he's companie,
She can't help but concern.

Now she is known as the old, black swan,
that only appears at night.
Old people tell their stories of the swan,
who were once the pretty white.

Hung Up

Looking in your eyes, when you looked back at me,
Those were the days, but know you cannot see.
Seems like we had so much, and now it’s gone,
Our friendship is off despite it was once on.

I’m still hung up on you baby I can’t let go,
I took a chance to tell you, and now you know.
I’m in love with you still, even though I’ve cried,
Because I know how you truly feel inside.

Everything you do makes me more hung up on you.
I can hardly control the tears, since we were through.
I never got a chance to show you how serious I am,
I guess I never will…and you’ll never hold my hand.

I don’t know why you stop talking to me when you knew,
Just seemed like what you had to do.
Late at night I think of you,
I’m hung up, it’s true!

I’m hung up, can’t let go, I love you baby,
Someday you’ll feel the same…maybe.
Until then I’ll wait, I’ll wait forever,
I’ll be hung up, if you need me ever.

the above poem, is it based on Madonna's song Hung up, it just reminds me of it

yes actually:)

The Harshness of Reality
By: Twisted Heart

They say that love can fill an ocean
sail a ship across the sea
Fly a kite above the clouds
or tame an angry honey bee

They say mere words of love bring hope
mending broken fences everyday
It's known to heal a tarnished heart
or chase the blues away

They say that love is the answer
to questions we may have through time
and it's the only thing that matters
to give it up would be a crime

That is what they say to me
as I travel through my life
They never bothered telling me
how love could cut you like a knife

They never said my heart could die
that trust and faith would both be gone
or cause me to scream in pain
when I was treated wrong

They never said to me it crushes
mortals agonized and broken
because they too believed the lie
when those three words were spoken

The harshness of reality
that love has brought to me
Is bittersweet and locked away
and needs no company

Once I Loved You

Another smile to the disaster you encrypted
On my backbone, your tale scripted.
Paralysed at the blasphemy on your tongue,
Framed as your victim, as you prey on the young
(and innocent).

Stained your cheap dress in wine,
Kisses of laced decline,
(you traded yourself short).

Drown as you love yourself in vein,
Tears of the lies your insides contain.
Beauty slept inside your impure core,
For your not perfect, not anymore.

Spitting on your upturned funeral bed, your eternity
Little damned princess of modernity.
There's no forgiveness kiss in the make-up,
No blood covenant for your hiccup
(not anymore).

Stained your cheap dress in wine,
Kisses of laced decline,
(you traded yourself short).

Drown as you love yourself in vein,
Tears of the lies your insides contain.
Beauty slept inside your impure core,
For your not perfect, not anymore.

You were everything I held close,
I loved you the most
(only to watch you walk away).

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Thank you for taking the time to critique our poetry, it means a lot.

Juliet's Romeo
By: Kaylee

Interwoven breath through fingertips,
slipping between laced heartstrings,
plucking cords to the tune of Juliet's
fallen Romeo, a lover which cast a
stone into the galaxy; eternal roulette

Entwined sadness displayed in a,
kiss of bitter rasberries stripped,
Too soon of their natural flavor,
Folded inside a used white napkin,
In which thought to live in solitude,

In sensing a symphony cut as,
sweeping eyes gazed upon her,
Beneath intense starlit night,
Keeping in time with a rhythmic
heart, drowning in struggled breath,

Velvet whispers, unspoken words,
Heard through motions tumbling,
Through a lone wandering tear,
Wiped with the back of Romeo's hand,
That soon held the trembling Juliet,

With one kiss; deep inside a soul,
Came Juliet's call for dear Romeo.
---------------------------------------------------

First of all, let me kick this off by saying that I am proud of you for choosing to write about two of Shakespeare's most well known lovers, Romeo and Juliet. This was a brave move (being a HUGE cliche and all) and it worked. It stood out very well in my opinion and I commend thee. BRAVO!

Stanza 1: I sensed some very powerful imagery in this opening stanza - which is always a pleasure. Condensing breath moving through a lover's fingertips as a beautiful instrument (the heart) plays a most saddening tune. I enjoyed the last line and 1/2 as well: "a lover which cast a
stone into the galaxy; eternal roulette," it is a good reference to the old "star crossed lovers" cliche. My only suggestion is this: try to word the last few lines to encorporate the word "who" or "whom" because remember - Romeo is a person, and therefore a "who," not a "which."

Stanza 2: More great imagery. I love the description of the kiss: "a kiss of bitter rasberries stripped too soon of their natural flavor." Wonderful! I would enjoy this stanza more if you re-worded it to remove the "in's" at the end, though. The lines "Folded INside a used white napkIN, IN which thought to live IN solitude," are flow-disrupting and make no real sense to me.

3: Oops, here's that dreaded "in" again at the beginning of stanza 3! Try to re-word this one, or the end of stanza 2 in order to bring peace to the flow. The imagery st the end of this stanza was great.

4: Again with the superb imagery! This was my favorite stanza. Here's why: It starts of with beautiful, nice and "soft" imagery and then ends with a feeling of great sadness. This is perfect! It creates great contrast in the poem and REALLY does the trick in sucking the reader into feeling that particular sadness of which I spoke of, creating the intended tear-jerker.

5: The perfect couplet to top it all off. Short. Sweet. To the point. Deathly sad. All of these thing point to POWER.

Just as an end note: It may be a good idea for you to re-consider your comma placement. I found that it was not at all necessary to place a comma at the end of each line, for this disrupts the flow of the poem and it even creates slightly incoherent sentences.

All in all, this was a GREAT poem. I'll say once again, I looooved the imagery. It was great. It began on a beautiful note and ended very wonderfully.

Bravo, once again.

-J.R.S.P.

Poetic Love Creation
By Sunny

Within the past two years
sunlight embraced dark moon
Intertwining pastel lovers
causing poetic creations to flow

sleepless nights, candles lit
memories of sweet touch
your hands upon my face
sensual pen danced with stars

countless poems adorned the floor
such as petals from a scented rose
blowing from west winds to eastern skies
reaching those handsome hazel sparkles

yet all the precious enchanting poems
exchanged between two souls
can't top the highest Peaks of Mount Everest
with our little gifts of love created by you and I

you gave me heart dear man
I brought you soft sunlight
together bonded as one
hope and miracle......

our poetic completion

---------------------------------------------------------

I love the concept of this poem....so heartfelt, so real. It's wonderful. And for me, the simplicity of it all adds so much that it isn't even funny.

Stanza 1: This stanza just fills my mind with light. I envision the sun combined with pastel colors flowing onto the page...out of the tip of a fountain pen.

2: This stanza is so simple. It reminds me of how it feels for my loved one to touch me, to embrace me....to inspire me.

3: Wow, you caught me on this one. The poems actually seem to take physical form now, "such as petals from a scented rose blowing from west winds to eastern skies." Haha, wow, I wouldn't have thought to do something like that in a million years. This is just great. And those "handsome hazel sparkles" make my eyes want to sparkle in the moonlight...how pretty they seem to be...

4: And this is where I realize..."The children! Of course...how stupid of me!!!" Very cute.

The rest only adds more to this love story. I LOVE it. Haha, pardon the pun.

I think that this is one of those poems that serious critics would look at and say "how boring, it lacks any 'real' complexity...just a run-of-the-mill love poem." Well I say that it is wonderful. I suppose (and I say this with HUGGGE reluctance) that it does lack a teeny tiny (even smaller than that) bit of complexity, but I believe that that is what makes this poem what it is. The metaphors and images in one stanza completely (and I mean COMPLETELY) make of for those missing in the next. The simplicity makes this poem what it is: elegant and well written. Wonderful, I repeat, wonderful job.

-J.R.S.P.

Marriage Ceremony
by Tara-Kay

Just about to get married, and my heart is beating fast, I'm scared,
Looking around at everyone, staring at me as I walk up the isle,
I see your handsome face right in front of me, the butterflies return,
I am shaking inside, but I'm trying my hardest to give you a smile.

I'm reminded back to our first date, how I was trembling all over,
I was pretty worried it wouldn't go well, I'd make a fool of you,
But my fears and worried escaped as soon as we started talking,
Afterwards you told me how you were absolutely terrified too.

I hear the vicar talking, but my ears have closed, what's he saying,
All I hear is the sound of my heart constantly beating heavily away,
Cos I still feel my whole body shaking, trembling with pure fright,
I can't believe I'm standing here and that it's my wedding day.

It's been a few years since you and I first met in that cafe on the corner,
Since I first set my eyes on you, since I felt the flutter of the wind on me,
You took me in your arms and took me on a journey out of this world,
And now finally, after all that time, Husband and wife we are gonna be.

You're looking at me, with a cute smile on your peachy coloured lips,
We say our wedding vows, they are the most important words in this,
After I say those words, you know, our love is eternally combined,
You and I are now Husband and Wife, as we are finally allowed to kiss.

It's more passionate than I have ever experienced, I think I'm flying,
Everyone around us seems to vanish, as we are clinched in this embrace,
We will live our lives being happy, together, forever, always, eternally,
I dunno how, it seems as if I'm wrapped with love, kindness and grace.

Back at my mother's house, you and I begin the celebrations, everyone's there,
They're all congratulating us, and wishing us all the best in our life together,
We cut the big wedding cake my mother baked, it is most delicious,
Laughing and smiling is the way we hope we'll be always and forever.

You and I hit the dance floor, moving slowly to the music, you're holding me tight,
Again we are pulled together in an affectionate bliss, that will never ever end,
Everyone begins clapping, we are the centre of everyone's attention, and it's scary,
You may be my husband, my lover, my angel but you are still my best friend.

The Limo is now parked out the front, the chauffeur waiting for us to get in,
We're saying goodbye to all of our friends and our family, we'll seen them soon,
In the limo, we're drinking champagne and cuddling up close, totally besotted,
Off we go, starting our journey all around the world, off on our honeymoon.
---------------------------------------------------------

I'm going to start of with honesty: The title turned me off right away. It was too literal for me.

Alright, this one has a lot of stanzas, so buckle yer seatbelts, folks!

1: I dunno, this stanza just didn't cut it for me...once again, I feel that it's a bit too literal....it's missing something.

2: Now i see where it's going. It's a story of love, put in poetic form. Not a bad idea, but....no, I won't repeat myself. Check grammar :D
"fears and worrieD" should be "fears and worrieS."

3: I only just realized that there was a rhyme scheme to this poem while I was reading stanza 3. I find that the lines are too long in this poem which, in turn, disrupts the flow/rhyme shceme. Maybe you could shorten them a little?

I'm gonna stop there, because I feel as if I will begin to beat that proverbial dead horse.

I found that while this was a good story about a couple - in love - who have now become one, that is all that I found it to be. I don't really feel that it made a good poem (just my opinion, don't take it too seriously) but it would be a good topic for a narrative or something along those lines.

-J.R.S.P.

Lonely Sleeper

With the glow of his soul waning at each moment's breath, he stood alone in front his mirror and muttered aloud,

"I am but a man. How can she, but a woman, wound me so deeply? I must be in love!"

And, with that said, he dragged his body, now cumbersome with feelings of morose and anguish, to his bed. Solitary and confined by the walls of his mind, he lived; solitary and confined by the walls of his room, he slept.

To Be Free

I would give anything, to be away from here. to grow wings and fly, then I would just cheer. to live under the water, or up in the air. to live on a cloud, or somewhere without care.

what I would do to live far away, away from the fences, and no one to obey. to soar with the winds, to swim in bubbles, to run outside all day, and to jump in all the puddles.

I seek adventure, or at least some big change. to not know everything and to find some things strange. and it would just be so grand, to live alone, lay on the sand. to just go away and have them understand.

just to be free, alone, just with me. to prove I can do anything on my own. all the places to be, all the things left to see, all the things that make my life so carefree.

and I'd be alone, no sorrow or woe, no care about anyone's problem no more. oh please just help me, please let it be, please answer my prayer and just set me free.

Oscar

do you know when you'll judge it or what? there has been posted a lot of poems now...

Stuck In The Past
by ♥ Jєѕѕу ♥

Stuck in the past, caught in a net
My broken heart has not given up yet
Yearning for you, crying at night
Trapped in the dark, fighting for light..

Emotions tied tight, impossible to retreat
My brain waiting for my heart to delete
Jumbled thoughts flow through my mind
A safe, peaceful place they must find..

Please god relieve me of this pain
And pour all these feelings down the drain
Free me from the past, untangle this net
For another man I have met..

Wings of an Angel:

I've critiqued a couple, and I'll work on more very soon.

wokey=)

Baby girl do your thing,
Let love guide your way,
Baby girl just be careful
That you, arn't led astray.

For love is complicated,
In which no one understands,
Its a deadly virus baby girl
So don't jump at it with all hands.

Look outside your window,
See couples everywhere,
Baby girl just you make sure,
That the one you love really cares.

Baby girl there are bois,
Who will need you for their EGO,
Dig deep and you will find,
That these bois are the feeble.

Take your time with love
For if true it will never end,
Find a boi of wisdom girl,
One who shan't pretend.

Some bois treat girls like objects
Objects of desire,
Pick a boi of power, knowledge,
One who is not a liar.

For once you fall in love,
It will never leave your side.
But to be able to make your mistakes,
First you have to try.

So baby girl do your thing,
Let love guide your way.
But baby girl be careful,
That you arn't lead astray.

If you have read this please criticize and tell how to improve thnx xxxx Alex xxxx

"Black Swan"
by Wings of an Angel

This lake with all these beautiful trees,
and these perfect little birds.
Wanders a lonely black swan,
Without any saying or words.

She wanders alone in the cold balck night,
Her love is lost and away.
She can't find him, no where,
She looks for him every day.

There is a saying, about the swans,
they are always two and two,
They love each other until death to them part,
They stick together like glue.

Now this swan wanders alone,
the night is back at last,
She can now cry her silent tears,
Thinking of the past.

She doesn't know where he is,
or if he will return.
She misses him, and he's companie,
She can't help but concern.

Now she is known as the old, black swan,
that only appears at night.
Old people tell their stories of the swan,
who were once the pretty white.
--------------------------------------------------------

Let me start by saying that I enjoy the concept of this poem. I love the constant imagery of that lonely black swan. Also, I found that the abscence of figurative language added to the sombre atmosphere of the poem and emphasised just how solemn this swan really is.

Stanza 1: I thought that this was a bit of a weak entry to a poem with such lovely potential. I found that it was a bit too incoherant for my liking. The line: "This lake with all these beautiful trees" could use an "in" at the beginning to help make more sense. Also, the line "Without any saying or words" doesn't really make sense to me. Maybe it could be re-worded aswell? I think that these two suggestions would make this stanza a bit more unified.

Stanza 2: The line "She can't find him, no where" would be better if it read read: "She can't find him anywhere." I found that the "nowhere" was sort of choppy, however, using "anywhere" would restore the flow.

Stanza 3: I don't know why, but I liked this stanza. I found that even though it sort of "cut in" to the poem and was almost out of place, it fit well. One thing: It should be "until death do them part" not "to them part."

5: This is where it all fell apart for me. I found that this particular stanza wasn't worded very well and it really disrupted the flow of the poem. I think it was because of the grammar mistakes in the last two lines. Maybe it should read "She misses him and his company, she can't help but feel concern," instead?

6: I thought that this was a great closing stanza. It made me feel as though I was being revived and lifted out of an intense dream. This is because it brings attention back to the fact that the poem's purpose is to tell a story. Maybe in the last two lines, instead of reading "Old people tell their stories of the swan, who were once the pretty white," you could change it to "Old people tell stories of the swans, who once were elegant and white." Just to unify the stanza more.

-J.R.S.P.

Hung Up
By: ~*Who Cares?*~

Looking in your eyes, when you looked back at me,
Those were the days, but know you cannot see.
Seems like we had so much, and now it’s gone,
Our friendship is off despite it was once on.

I’m still hung up on you baby I can’t let go,
I took a chance to tell you, and now you know.
I’m in love with you still, even though I’ve cried,
Because I know how you truly feel inside.

Everything you do makes me more hung up on you.
I can hardly control the tears, since we were through.
I never got a chance to show you how serious I am,
I guess I never will…and you’ll never hold my hand.

I don’t know why you stop talking to me when you knew,
Just seemed like what you had to do.
Late at night I think of you,
I’m hung up, it’s true!

I’m hung up, can’t let go, I love you baby,
Someday you’ll feel the same…maybe.
Until then I’ll wait, I’ll wait forever,
I’ll be hung up, if you need me ever.
------------------------------------------------------

No offense or anything, but as soon as I found out that this poem was based on that terrible Madonna song (well, ABBA's song with new lyrics), I lost interest.

Stanza 1: I found that the wording in this stanza was slightly immature, especially in the line "Our friendship is off despite it was once on." That line throws the stanza off big time and reminds me of somthing that a ten year old would say.

Stanza 2: This one was better, the flow was ok, and the wording was ok aswell. Just a suggestion though, don't use the word "baby" it's horrible. Lol.

3: "More hung up on you...." that sounds weird to me. In this stanza I found that the immature wording came back again. Sorry.

Alright, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but this poem reminds me of the first Backstreet Boys CD. It's a boy band song, plain and simple. To me it seemed like it was just a one sided conversation between a twelve year old and her lover. If you re-worded it to incorporate more mature language, it would probably lose said quality.

-J.R.S.P.

~*Who Cares?*~, I am really sorry if asking you the question about if it was based on the Madonna song has kind of ruined the chances of you placing in this contest.

Lol, Tara, I'm sure it would've come to me anyway.

Hee.

When Smiles Collide
By: Beautifully//Broken

Feeling your eyes
.. On me
Mine glued to you
Don't..
Don't look away.

Look into my eyes
..Windows
To my soul
..A soul you found.
When I thought..
It was lost.

Smile for me
..Because of me.
You are the cause
..Of my..
Every smile.

Bring your smile
..Meet it with mine.
Let our lips
..Our smiles..
Collide.
---------------------------------------------------

OK, first off I must say -as I have before- this is a lovely little poem....Shiquita is lucky!

Now, I must say, I'm not very fond of the format, I find that the elipses (...'s for those of you not familiar with the word) do a fine job in the field of flow mutilation. I always pause while reading them, and I find that there is too much pausing going on.

Stanzas 1&2: I found that the subject of "eyes" should've been separated a bit. Where the two first stanzas begin with it (and they are short stanzas), it almost seems a little repetitive.

3: Once again, the repetition thing. The word "me," while only used twice, is a little repetitious in its ways.

4: I really like this stanza. Especially the lines "Let our lips..Our smiles..Collide." I actually found that the ellipses had real purpose here.

A very simple love poem. Whether you think so or not (after my critique), I actually did enjoy it. I thought it was very pretty in its ways and was half-decent in the effectiveness department, aswell.

-J.R.S.P.

All right, I'm going to let my laziness shine through now. I'm skipping any poems that seem the slightest bit long right now, because I'm too lazy to read. Lol.

Lonely Sleeper
By: Top Sloth

With the glow of his soul waning at each moment's breath, he stood alone in front his mirror and muttered aloud,

"I am but a man. How can she, but a woman, wound me so deeply? I must be in love!"

And, with that said, he dragged his body, now cumbersome with feelings of morose and anguish, to his bed. Solitary and confined by the walls of his mind, he lived; solitary and confined by the walls of his room, he slept.
----------------------------------------------------------

This piece blew me a way, in a matter of speaking. I found it to be a very intelligable piece of writing that used the english language to the highest possible extent of it's capabilities.

I thought that the opening was amazing.

"With the glow of his soul waning at each moment's breath"

^
Especially that. It was perfect. What better way could someone describe a man with a heart in pain? Good imagery.

I love how it is specified in the last paragraph that the man is living AND sleeping in solitude. There is something very important about that. It gives some sort of connection between his mind and the room in which he sleeps.

Sorry, but I can say nothing bad about this piece. Lol.

-J.R.S.P.
-J.R.S.P.

Sorry, double signature! Lol.

Stuck In The Past
by ♥ Jєѕѕу ♥

Stuck in the past, caught in a net
My broken heart has not given up yet
Yearning for you, crying at night
Trapped in the dark, fighting for light..

Emotions tied tight, impossible to retreat
My brain waiting for my heart to delete
Jumbled thoughts flow through my mind
A safe, peaceful place they must find..

Please god relieve me of this pain
And pour all these feelings down the drain
Free me from the past, untangle this net
For another man I have met..
---------------------------------------------------

Stanza 1: All I can say is good! The rhyme scheme works, the flow is great and the wording is very befitting, aswell!

Stanza 2: I had a bit of a problem with this stanza. I don't know what it was, or how to fix it, but the wording in this stanza seemed very awkward to me. It seemed almost dragged out and jumbled up.

Stanza 3: I found some things a little awkward about this one, also. I didn't like the line "And pour all these feelings down the drain." It seemed a bit...immature...for lack of a better word. Also, the last line is too short, it doesn't flow well due to the fact that the line prior to it is much longer. Maybe if you added something more at the beginning of the last line to lengthen it a bit then it would be better.

-J.R.S.P.

I'll be back later to review some more poems!

She Loves You

What would you say if
I told you she loved you?
Would you laugh?
Would you cry?
Would you smile and say
I love you too?
Or would you frown
and walk away,
because you don't want
to be loved? Are you
afraid of love?

Is it something you always
wanted, but could never have?
And now that you do have it,
are you scared?
Do you always run
away from hurt feelings?
Are you such a chicken?
Well now you need to listen.

SHE LOVES YOU, more than
anything in the world, she
loves you. And she wants
you to love her, to tell her
she's beautiful, to hold
her when she is in pain,
to kiss her and make sure
she is never afraid.
Just remember, she loves you,
and we love you too.

**this was written to my moms boyfriend; they had a HUGE fight and i really want them to stay together.**

What beauty lies in Thy eyes
Swarming bees of honey cries
Awaiting my appeasing kiss
Ah, such lust in gleaming bliss
Blooming arousement in thy hands
Oceans of jewels without no end
Tis a sorrow to lose this game
But I shall win in valor grace
You aroint me in vile haste
But such beauty can't die in waste
Waiting and waiting upon thy thee
Let down your guard, let me breath
What is it that you ask of me?

In Response...

A beauty yes, but only a statue of gold
An idol of admiration of men till I'm old
Like a red rose in a field of death
Time lingers and withers my soul
True, you are a man of great wealth
Prowling the night with eager stealth
Tempting young maidens to broken hearts
Judge me nought, I differ from those
Love me like no other men dares
See inside my yearning face so fair
Gaze at me, not this Idol I've become to be
Then I shall join your intimate seas

Prose: Ordinary speech or writing, without metrical structure.

"Lonely Sleeper": Prose.

Can you please share your thoughts about my prose poem. It was not excerpted from any short story, and was written as poetic expression. Any comments will be appreciated.

-Steve

dont worry about it. after all i am just a 13 year old in love...although i should add a few years...thanks for your critique..i appreciate it...i didnt really BASE it on it..it was just use of title for some other contest..anyway thanks again and sorry for wastin ur time

Perhaps an introduction would help. It's about unrequited love, secret love. The girl didnt know i loved her. She loved another guy, who didnt care
at all for her. But she still loved him. And she kept telling me how much she loved him. And I couldnt say anything. She would have fights with him, and come to me...and she'd cry on my shoulder...and I'd offer solace "it'll be fine." But that really, really hurts...doesnt it?

On Our Way... -Dhaval

We walked through gates like ancient friends,
your last rose petal declared “he loves me”
as my stifling lips smiled in pretence
I trepidly told of the rose’s honesty.

Somewhere in the scent of the soil we graced
and along the dew of the trails we tread,
ignorance was joy when this heart once raced
and butterflies danced above mushroom heads.

Somewhere along that old winding course
we tripped and fell down flat across the lawn,
I lifted you up, and dumping all remorse
you strode ahead, but I couldn’t carry on.

He was never there around- and you wailed
when his offhand words overlooked your heart,
yet it was I who ensured that tears never welled
in the eyes of the girl who ripped me apart.

Your statements of love gnawed and poked
unrequited knives split my innards in two;
sometime a day-dream, my feeble spirit broke,
somewhere on our way, I fell in love with you......

dont worry about it. after all i am just a 13 year old in love...although i should add a few years...thanks for your critique..i appreciate it...i didnt really BASE it on it..it was just use of title for some other contest..anyway thanks again and sorry for wastin ur time

^
You don't seem to understand the whole point of this thread.

It was not a waste of my time. If it was going to be a waste of my time, I wouldn't have even opened this thread up. The point is, I was giving my input, and my critique, and that is that. Sorry if I "offended" you, but I already said that if you were going to be offended, that's just too bad. That is one of the risks of entering this contest.

-J.R.S.P.

The Perfect Day

The day was perfect
The sun was shining
I was so nervous, but yet so happy
All my friends were there.
The best one standing beside me.

She was helping me get dressed.
Putting the flowers in my hair
Tying the bow on my dress
Wiping the tears from my eyes
Finishing all the little touches.

I had been planning this since
I was a little girl
Talking about the different colors
Where it would be held,
And even who would be invited.

It was now time,
Time to walk down the isle.
Time to smile and look beautiful
Time to look into this man’s eyes
And say the magical words “I Do.”

It was a day I could always see
Something I couldn’t wait for.
A day every girl dreams of.
The day she dresses in white
And gives her life to the man she loves.

Top Sloth:

Upon request, I did fix the review of your piece.

I just edited the first one that I did, so if you travel backwards, it should still be there.

-J.R.S.P.

.... *gotta pick JUST one lol*

A Final Prayer
by †!♪~*`Bryce Dressler`*~♪!†

A slow rolling tear
Falling down his cheek
As he stood over her bed
he began to feel weak

He couldn't believe it
No way this was true
He couldn't live without her
He wouldn't know what to do

He dropped to his knees
At the head of her bed
Looked up to the ceiling
Crying he said,

"Why'd you do this god
Why'd you take her from me
I need her so much
Why can't you see

It can't end this way
No, she can't die
God please don't do this
I can't say goodbye

She can't go away
Not here, not now
I'll do anything to bring her back
Please just tell me how

Take the life from me
Take my heart and soul
God please bring her back
I don't care what the tole

Take the blood from my veins
The breathe from my chest
I don't care if I die
Just put me to rest

God please listen
The pain is to much to bare
Her life will end real soon
If at all you care"

He stopped speaking for a minute
As she layed there dying
The only sound to be heard
Was of the teenage boy's crying

His tears crashed to the floor
As he barely made a stand
He reached across her body
And held her hand-in-hand

As he wiped his eyes
He couldnt understand
Whyd this have to happen
Whyd it have to end?

He had one last thing to do
As he watched her lay
He had one last minute
One last thing to say

"I have one more thing to ask
a favor, God, from you
If you are going to take her
Can you please take me too?"

Again he fell to his knees
Not knowing what else to say
He held her hand tight
Not ready to give her away

But then he heard the monitor
Beep for the final time
And after that, all to be heard
Was the single flat line.

He let her hand go
And kissed her on the cheek
As more tears came to his eyes
He prayed they'd soon meet

Although she is in heaven
Past the clouds and above
They could deny him her body
But not their love

And when he gets to heaven
He will soon see
She will be waiting
To be together...Eternally

(C) 2005 Bryce Dressler

((More of lost love. But love none the less.))

Sorry that I haven't been here in a while, but I've had other things that I wanted to do. I'll probably get some more done later tonight.

-J.R.S.P.

Umm-Does this have to be a happy love poem? can it be a poem aobut lost love or something like that?

[-untitled-]

^Oops, I was wondering about that too