So I Don't Know What To Do

So Yea....Pretty Self Explanitory...I Don't Know What To Do..Ugh...I'm So Upset......I Think Something Bad Is Going To Happen Today...But Idk...I Just Have A Feeling There Is Going To Be Something Bad Happening Today....Ugh.....Idk...I'm Going To Cry....Umm I Don't Want Damen To Go Back To Texas...*cries*....But I Gotta Let Him Go And I Can't Make Him Stay Because I'd Feel Bad He WAnts To Be Home With His Family...And I Understand That...And I Respect That...Oh Man Kim...That's Why When I Had Boyfriends I Never Let Them Close To Me...Because I Was Always Afraid Of Getting Hurt...And I Did Get Hurt With Johnny...Ya Know...But I Finally Let Damen In...And I Got My First Everything And Everything...And I Feel Like He Might Be My First Love...And Idk..This Is Sooo Retarded....But I Feel About Him So Much...I REally Like Him....And Idk...Idk What To Do.... ILove Him...And If He Moves Back...Ugh It's Going To Hurt....Really Bad Because I Let Myself Fall For Him...When I Kinda Shouldn't Have I Should've Kept My Wall Up Like I Usually Do...But For Some Reason...I Let It Down... And Idk What To Do....Ugh...He's Like I Really Like You And All This Stuff...And He's Like I love You...And I Care About You...And I Was Crying On The Phone Saying That I Was Worthless Anyways...And He's Like But YOurNot Worthless..And All This Stuff...Idk...Kimmy...Idk...And For Some Reason Today....Thinking About Maybe Loosing Him...Is making Me Think About Derek...And It's Making Me Want To Cry...Because I Don't Want To Go Back To My Depressing State Of Mood...I Don't Want TO Go Back To The Old Stephanie...The One That Always Cried A Lot...And When I Wasn't With My Friends I WAs Always Crying In My Room Curled Up In A Corner...And Crying Myself To Sleep....Ugh...And I Know That If Damen LEaves Thats Going To Happne Again...Because Damen Made Me Happy In A Way You Guys Can't....You Guys Can't Give Me The Love He Can Give Me...Or Make Me Feel The Way He Makes Me Feel...And Idk What To Do...

Thinking about derek at the moment is killing me... i don't want to think about it at school....and i have a feeling damen is starting to seperate with me.....idk maybe it's just because he doesn't want to be soo touchy anymore he says...and maybe it just feels like he doesn't want to be aroundme anymore...and idk....i just feel like i'm loosing him already even before he is moving...like today he didn't come see me at all during lunch...and then when i grabbed his hand he grabbed my hand for like two seconds and then let go

it was like he didn't want to hold my hand or he didn't want to touch me....ugh and he didn't give me a kiss on the lips like he usually does just on the cheek

and idk...it's all this stuff with sara...she's been trying to drink...and every chance she can get she is smoking....and it's killingm e...i don't want my sister doing this stuff...and alicia isn't helping with it...she doesn't care she's letting her do it...she's not criticing her about it...she was right there when my sister lighted up the ciggarrette and started smoking

and what was i to do about it??...nothing i couldn't do nothing...i just had to sit back and watch her....and i can't tell my mom...because then i'd be considere a nark...and idk what to do...she's been trying to sneak out...like last night she tried to sneak out and wanted me to cover for her...but i was scared...and i told her no...i don't want her to get raped or something going out at 11o'clock at night by herself...

and she's been talking abuot cutting her wrist and stuff...and i tried telling my mom all this and she really isn't listening to me...do you see sara's myspace???it's suicidal!!! idk...what to do kimmy....i just want to go home...and cry...just go home and cry....
and damen...has been doing more than weed...he's been doing cocaine too....and.....ummm...yea...my uncle died by doing too much cocaine...and ....sheldon was doing it too..he was doing a lot of it.... iheard him while i was on the phone with him...i could hear damen saying hey not too much i don't want you to over does and sheldon didn't care he's like i want more...

and damen has been depressed these past two days and he won't tell me why...and it's killing me... i hate hearing him all sad...and i hate having him not really talking to me...and sheldon has been depressed because of alex...because alex keeps ditching him and lieing to him...

and that's why i said i don't know if she really likes him...because she wouldn't be doing this if she cared...she's hurting sheldon wicked bad...trust me i was on the phone with him for like 5hours last night...and i tried to talk to damen on the phone but he would only say uhh huh..or nuu uuh...or no... and stuff like that no big words and nothing more than one word...he seems alright today...so idk..maybe...he just idk....
kimmy i'm worthless....i'm fat....and i'm ugly... i need to get a life....and i need to die...ugh...
why would johnny...want to kick damen's ass if he doesn't care abuot me...jean was telling johnny that damen treats me bad(which he doesn't) she just doesn't like damen and johnny is like i'm going to kick his ass then...why would johnny care...ugh... i hate him... i hate him i hate him... i hate me

Last time I checked this was not an online diary , it was a discussion board , unless of course I was getting the wrong end of the stick . . . and I don't even know who half of these people are , they just kind of appear out of nowhere . . .

I'm not trying to bring her down , I'm just saying that this is not a discussion , which it isn't . And you're the only person besides me to post about it , and you've just told me off , because there's nothing to discuss . Because it's not a discussion .