I really don't know what to do

I have three children, Portia 14, Aston 13 and Mercedes 9.. they all live with their dad [L] his gf [H] and her son [C] who is 8.

For the last few years Aston and Mercedes have asked to come and live with me because they don't like living there, but it is normally on occassions where they have been told off and think life is unfair [typical kids]. Portia who is a lot more sensible and mature has always said things aren't as bad as the other two make out, so I have always put their requests down to being young and in trouble.

My dilemma is that last week I got a text off of Portia saying she hates living there and wants to come and live with me. This is the first time she has ever said anything to that effect and this got my attention.

When my children arrived on boxing day, Mercedes had a bruise on her cheek and nose where [C] had punched her. When my three told [H] that [C] had done this she just tutted and walked away.. [C] didn't even get told off.

Aston used to be a quiet, shy, sensitive lad, but being the only boy [L] wanted to toughen him up and has done this over the years by continuously putting him down [yeah not the best way I know] and now he is aggressive and has anger issues.. He is always getting shouted at and blamed for the bedroom being untidy etc when it is [C] that makes most of the mess.

Anyway I am in a situation now where I am able to fight for my children to come and live with me, so I made an appointment with my solicitor for next week.. Only thing is they all want to come and live with me but Portia doesn't want to live with the other 2... She wants to come and live with me on her own.. She doesn't like the area they live in, hates the school she's at [even though she is in most top groups] and she hates the way [H] always sticks up for [C] however bad he has been..

more details to follow...

I have told her I can't just fight for one of them especially seemings they are all unhappy, but she is adament that she does not want to live with Aston and Mercedes, and said if they come to live with me she will stay with her dad [unhappy] and if they stay with their dad then she will come and live with me... I really don't want to split the 3 of them up... If I have Portia on her own family life for the other 2 will be horrid as it is Portia that settles stuff down at home, because she is the eldest and like I said before a lot more sensible and mature.. She is the 'good' child and I am concerned that if I take her away things will get worse for the other 2. She said if she stays at home with them she is going to be unhappy and if they all come to live with me she will be unhappy also... either way she will be unhappy, and Portia isn't an unhappy child normally...

Now I don't know what to do.. She is also concerned that if they all move out [L] will think it's because they all hate him [which I have assured her won't be the case] but I think that was to try and persuade me not to fight for all of them.

I feel like I am being selfish not giving her what she wants or needs, but then I think she is being selfish wanting to split the family up.. but Portia is not selfish.. ever... she only ever does right.

It breaks my heart to think the children are going to be split up whatever happens, because I know Portia will not move in with Aston and Mercedes if I fight for them and will not stay with her dad if I don't.

They are all unhappy at their dads.. not with him, but with the situations they are all in and I don't know what to do for the best now...

Sorry this was long and in two parts.. I just don't know what to do and I am unsure of what any of You can say either, but being all of their mum and wanting the best for all of them I am finding it really difficult to know what to do for the best.

Thanks if You took the time to read this

I know not what to say... But I know how great of a person you are.

Really, I can't tell you want to do...I'm young and don't have children..
However, what I would do...

I would try to force (I know, it's not the best word to use) Portia in living with you and the other two kids....Or get the other two kids out. If Portia decides to be stubborn, it's her fault, really..and I know you want to save all the kids, but sometimes you can only do so much.

Otherwise, it's up to the court and solicitor what happens beyond that...

I wish you the best of luck.

If you ever need anything, never hesitate to email me.

xTheEcstasyOfSuicidex

Thanks Sheena :]

I had similar advice from one of my friends at stoopid oclock this morning, and was awake most of the night trying to work out what to do...

I'm still not sure but I'm hoping in the next week while the kids are here I'll be able to talk to Portia and have her come round to my way of thinking, She is very stubborn though so not sure if she will change her mind...

I just don't want to have to chose between the kids and have either Portia think I care more about the other 2 or the other 2 thinking I care more about Portia...

Arrrgghhh.. It's going to be harsh either way.

i think sheena is on the right track. the only thing i could think of after reading that is to try and convince Portia to stay with you and ur other two kids. maybe you should ask her why she doesn't want to and try and work out a compromise or peace settlement between her and her other siblings. the real reason u need 2 work one is why she doesn't want to be around her siblings and if u can solve that it would be alot easier. the only other thing i can think of, is see if portia can live with u. but ur other two kids can live with u just on weekends. that way portia isn't with them all the time but they still get time away from there dads. depends on how far u live from them. well keep me posted i will be interested to see how things work out. goodluck

I have all of them on weekends and school holidays already and they are still not happy...

Portia says she needs some space from them and she is fed up of the fighting between her and Aston and she's fed up of getting the blame for things the others do... I've explained to her that I am not her dad and will not put blame where it doesn't exist nor will I tolerate her and Aston fighting as I don't hit them and don't see why they should be allowed to hit each other, but it doesn't make any difference what I say to her.

hmm well that is a bit of a dilema. i'm sorry i really don't know what to say. i guess just follow ur heart and what u thinks right

That's the problem lol I don't know what's right and they are all in my heart, equally...

Actually what's right, is for them to all be together living with me but I know that is not going to happen unless I can talk Portia round, and right now it doesn't look like that is going to happen any time soon...

Thanks anyway :] x

Actually what's right, is for them to all be together living with me

^^^
That's exactly what's right. You need to keep that in your head.

Now, what I would say is, I stick with my prior advice and the fact that you really -should- talk to Portia.
In my mind, I think you knew what to do when you posted this, or had an idea, but you just wanted to see what others thought..
And also remember you can only do so much.
Take care. If you need anything, message me. I'm on all the time.

xTheEcstasyOfSuicidex

I think that you being the mother if it is your intuition to keep the kids together, then it is your decision and your right to see that that happens. But still, get your kids together and have a serious discussion with them about this and the consequences of where they are going to live no matter what. If you know what I mean. Other than this I don't know what to tell you. But you'll be remembered in my prayers and good luck with everything =)

This is kind of the situation like me and my brothers wanted. They couldnt stand not being away from me so when I lived with my mom they lived with her too. But then I was moved to my grandma and they wanted to come by grandma wouldnt let them. So they went with my dad. And now they barely know that I'm there sister until i get there in front of their faces. My dad didtn want a daughter he wanted a son so thats how my borthers went with him. he taught them into living with him.

Talk to Portia, sorry if i spelled the name wrong, and tell her that you HAVE to make if fair for all of them. If she doesnt want to live with the other kids then she can be unhappy at their dads place. She just really needs to know that you need to make if fair. Wheathrer she likes it or not.

And if she was mature about it she would understand!

Thank You to everyone who has replied..

Portia is an average teen, but with everything she has had to go through over the years she has grown up quicker than most...

Me and her dad split up 6 years ago and due to my weakness and depression they ended up living with him because I was in hospital and it was the best for them at that time [I have only ever wanted what was best for them]

Portia is now displaying the symptoms of an average teen, but she isn't 'the' average teen and never has been, which is why this is so difficult... If she had always been the average teen I would fight for them all to live with me, knowing that if she stayed with her father it would be because of the average teen stuff and it would be her fault if things did not turn out the way she wanted...

I could live with that, without feeling guilty... but she is not the average teen... she has always done what is right... always looked out for Aston and Mercedes and she now wants to turn her back... I can't...

whatever way I look at it... and I've looked at it from every angle... I can't do what's right for just one... I can't take her out of the situation and leave the other 2 there knowing things will only get more difficult.. and I can't keep her there and bring Aston and Mercedes to me knowing she is not happy with the situation where she is...

I can not force her to come and live with me with Aston and Sade, but I can try and make her see things from my point of view, which is the only way I see forward right now... Just not sure if that will happen :[

I live in the UK.. I live in Leicester and the children live in Birmingham... it's only a 45 minute drive, but 45mins is a long time when you can't drive [like me] The kids dad brings them to me when he feels like it basically... ok maybe I'm being out of order now, but when it comes to visitations I am supposed to have the kids every other weekend and all school holidays, but it depends on what he wants to what happens... most of the time me nor the kids know when we are going to see each other again, and that is not healthy for any of us.

Thanks to everybody that replied and supported me...

Portia decided she wants to come and live with me with Aston and Mercedes... which I am over the moon about.

I spoke to my solicitor today and she said because of the ages they will be given the choice and their opinions listened to, which I am also ecstatic about... well at least the 2 eldest anyway and they will not want to separate them, so all is looking good right now :]

Only thing now is I have to speak to their dad about the situation and know he is going to cause me grief and make the kids feel guilty about leaving him [which they will do].

I have told them [like I will him] this is not about me or dad this is about 'You three'.. I just hope he doesn't emotionally blackmail them now.

*fingers crossed* and thanks again xxx