Lost Immortal-- lyrics, critique for doubled comments!

This song will be going to actual music and i need strong critique or a review of it to make sure its ready to go! thank you! i will give you double comments but only for this song! Its in my new poems!

I did 4 of your poems, and I absolutely loved one of them although I can't remember what its called now lol.

any more takers? please, this poem/song means a lot to me!

Off to read it and comment it, if you could please just do "Perfectionistical" that would be great. Thank you.

I did that one.

Can you please check out my newest poem:

Hope He's Afraid Of The Dark Now - [child abuse]

& anymore that you wanna do.

Thank you so much.

Cachinnations, means like an evil laughter or drunken laughing. Hehehe.

Oh. It's OK if you use that line. I don't mind hun. :)