A Final Confession

by Kakera   Jul 14, 2014


2014-07-15 00:33

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
It's been twenty years since my last confession.

Since then, I've been stuck in the borderlands
between dreams and reality, fighting,
hoping to forever lose my face.

For the past five years,
I've painted myself as a demon -
a herald of heartbreak -
so that this sinful I could continue to carry
the crosses of every heart I left behind.

Every train wreck of a soul I created,
unintentionally, just by existing:
My twisted insides kicking and screaming.

I've transcended the purpose of safety-nets,
wishing to reach catharsis by self-reflection.

I built my holy land out of solitude,
with my loneliness gaping wide,
but there's no place far away enough
away from everyone else
for me to not to break what I try to cherish;

It worked for a while though, being a demon,
collecting fragments of every heart I broke

But it's not who I am - It's who I needed to be
to allow the victims of my cruel love
some peace and closure, a letting go:

In hindsight, no imagination could've devised
an idea clever enough to prevent my shadows
from consuming everything around them,

unless it meant me carrying crosses heavy enough
for them to usher me down into the soil.

But it's not who I am - It's who I wanted to never become:
being unclean is easier, it helps with the guilt after all,
but at some point there'll always be a breaking point -
and the sinful crosses my shoulders achingly continue to carry
are too much to bear.

I won't allow it any longer.
It'd be a sin in and of itself to continue farther,
because I've become a self-fulfilling prophecy -

Instead, maybe it's time to just let go of the past:
forgive myself, after these formative years?

If so, then my final confession is not that,
but rather a formal request:
Bear witness to my rebirth.

Because the real catharsis did arrive,
a long time ago, even though I pretended otherwise.

So witness the shape my butterfly will take
after I leave this cocoon of rainbows,
and pray that my wings will have colour,
that I will know beauty this time -

Pray that I won't have to become a demon
this time.

Pray that this is the last time I'll ever need
a metamorphosis;
a reincarnation -
transformation.

Pray that this time the rainbow cocoon
will give my love
some colour.

-----------------------------------------------------
There we go. Won't be seeing anymore of those I think. I wasn't gonna use prompts for this one, but ended up doing so anyway since they weren't misaligned. I called this series "Confessions", because they're all true. They all happened. Where the lines between truth and fiction, between events and metaphor, are drawn, I do not intend to show. If you've read these before though, you should know that they're not fictional. That's all. Prompts:

No place that far
reflections and protection
inside a rainbow
no imagination
going underground

3


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Latest Comments

  • 6 years ago

    by mossgirl19

    This was a bloody read once again...you give me chills... I am in awe.

  • 9 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Judging comment:

    I've read this about three times through now, and each time, I am greatly inspired. It's moving that you shared this, such a piece of self-reflection and self-love as well. I like how you structured this piece, how you revealed dark parts of you that you never wanted to become your whole life, and how your deepest desire is to move away from that. There is purity and grace in this piece, and I admire how you expressed emotion and how the reader can connect with this journey. How it's personal to you yet some parts speak to me as well, such as how "being unclean is easier" and "who I needed to be to allow the victims of my cruel love some peace and closure". I agree that it is often easy to fall into the waves of self-loathing because we feel we have done enough damage, it is easier to isolate than embrace. But that's not what we were created to do or to be... Loved the ending repetition of "pray"; it offers sincere hope, especially that you are asking for love to re-enter your heart, wanting to not become the demon or keep thinking when this change will ever come. Such depth in this. What moved me the most was how you crafted this poem with it being a poem of confession, like in the confessional with a priest. I think that is the hardest step to take because it is letting your heart speak, and it's digging into the past and trying to reconcile. Powerful write, Kakera! (10)

  • 9 years ago

    by Meena Krish

    Judging Comment:

    I read and re-read this again and again. Each time
    the picture became clearer and feel, behind each
    line there is more pain and sadness which the writer
    is dealing with. There are some stanzas in this
    poem which stands out but the one that really got
    me teary is this:

    Every train wreck of a soul I created,
    unintentionally, just by existing:
    My twisted insides kicking and screaming.

    To be honest, I've felt that many a times...
    Finally, the ending of this poem, yearns the wanting
    of a change, to be a better person and in the
    process see a better life where life itself will be
    appreciated. I feel the heaviness within this write
    and wish the writer all the very best.

  • 9 years ago

    by The Princess

    I've read this a few times, this is no light read, but a complex one. I rarely read something this honest that I didn't feel comfortable at first about it, it was too raw even for me, until I understood that I shouldn't feel comfortable about it. this seems like something private that it is written for the poet's eyes only and reading it is like reading something I shouldn't. It has a dark appeal to it. It's like the poet is exposing their soul to us with all its power and vulnerability that can be seen in the last few stanzas.

    • 9 years ago

      by Kakera

      Thank you for reading and commenting.

      You're definitely on to something in that this one isn't one that is meant to be a light or comfortable read. It really isn't to me either. Writing it felt suffocating, crushing, with my heart bleeding - too many truths to confront that you don't really want to. We all have those. It's meant to be raw, it's meant to be messy, it's meant to be... Human. Honestly, I'm not even sure it's a poem. I just know that it was painful to write, and still is painful to read.

      Yet, thank you for reading and commenting, it means the world to me. I'm flabbergasted that I managed to win the contest this week with this write. Just didn't see it coming.

  • 9 years ago

    by Abed

    I love it. Congrats.

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