Comments : The Real Thing

  • 9 years ago

    by Amber

    Awww this is so sad =(

  • 9 years ago

    by BrokenREALiTy

    My screams fill the biting cold air,
    For I do not know if I can ever bear,
    This tragedy that has suddenly arrived,
    Before my scared and petrified eyes.
    `Biting -- it's an awkward word to use within that first line and just sounds like a nuisance rather than a powerful word that emphasizes the coldness of the air. Maybe change that word to one similar? I love the last lines of that stanza though.

    I stay with him till help finally comes,
    And by then I am completely numb,
    With coldness, dread, and tons of fear,
    As I silently start to cry some tears.
    `Work on syllabication in this verse. I can see what you're saying, but the words used here are quite common, and it just breaks the flow of the piece.

    I feel like the ending is weak. There's so much emotion that I can see that you're trying to express -- but it just feels empty. It wasn't the best, but it wasn't half bad.

    --..MiNDYY

  • 9 years ago

    by FlawlesslyTarnished

    Your decsriptions and imgery were outstanding. And I really liked the wayy you started out this piece. [The beginning was very alluring and attention grabbing] :] The flow was flawless and this piece was just amazing. :] 5/5.

    sorry. I'm late for work. so I'll get to a second poem after work. Kay. :]

    -Wilted.

  • 9 years ago

    by Sarah

    A great poem, well written and amazing.... Keep it up 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Still Slightly Broken

    Well written.

    There was oodles of emotion in there.

    5/5.

    Keep it up.

    Kelsey xx

  • 9 years ago

    by Dark Secrets

    Yea... reality sucks

  • 9 years ago

    by BluEyedMemory

    For your age you can write. I enjoyed reading the words you've written. Great job.
    Emma 5/5

  • 9 years ago

    by Jodie Phillips

    This poem has a great flow, good use of words, nice job

  • 9 years ago

    by Tiffany

    Has a nice flow.. I liked it.. sad but good.. Great Job!!.. Keep it up.. nd thanks for the cooment!!..^-^

  • 9 years ago

    by Blissful

    I loved how you opened this piece because it instantly captured my attention where I was hooked wanting more! You truly used the right words to create the imagery you desired. The flow was just flawless where nothing seemed forced and everything was a joy to read. The pain you described was easy for me to imagine because I could feel the words you expressed came straight from your heart. Well done *5/5*

  • 9 years ago

    by Dead Is The New Alive

    Wow well written
    i loved it
    keep it up

  • 9 years ago

    by RobinAnn13

    Pretty good. Awesome word choice and emotions. I also love the storyline. <3 It doesn't feel like it flows very well to me though. Maybe check the meter and eliminate a few words. Other than that very good. I'll give a 4/5

  • 9 years ago

    by xoOrdinaryGirlox

    Congrats on taking third with this poem. :) Poems like this make contests worth while.

    #1

    In the first line, 'bitter' may sound slightly better than 'biting'. I know it's more commonly used, but trying to put uncomon words sometimes doesn't work in all cases.

    As for the rest of the poem, it's so sad, yet it's so true. I loved it. A few minor alterations to make the flow stand out a bit more is all i would say is needed. :)

  • 9 years ago

    by iloveyouandrew

    I really like this poem..good job :]

  • 9 years ago

    by H E Losey

    You try to tell a story yet leave the reader wondering what it is about. It seems to be a good story, so tell it all. Be aware of your rhyme and/or rhythm as these two things control the entire piece.

  • 9 years ago

    by Kimberley

    Love the emotion in this poem. very descriptive words, its almost like i was feeling what you were when you wrote that. its amazing. keep up the great work!! ~KM~