My screams fill the biting cold air,
For I do not know if I can ever bear,
This tragedy that has suddenly arrived,
Before my scared and petrified eyes.
`Biting -- it's an awkward word to use within that first line and just sounds like a nuisance rather than a powerful word that emphasizes the coldness of the air. Maybe change that word to one similar? I love the last lines of that stanza though.
I stay with him till help finally comes,
And by then I am completely numb,
With coldness, dread, and tons of fear,
As I silently start to cry some tears.
`Work on syllabication in this verse. I can see what you're saying, but the words used here are quite common, and it just breaks the flow of the piece.
I feel like the ending is weak. There's so much emotion that I can see that you're trying to express -- but it just feels empty. It wasn't the best, but it wasn't half bad.
Your decsriptions and imgery were outstanding. And I really liked the wayy you started out this piece. [The beginning was very alluring and attention grabbing] :] The flow was flawless and this piece was just amazing. :] 5/5.
sorry. I'm late for work. so I'll get to a second poem after work. Kay. :]
I loved how you opened this piece because it instantly captured my attention where I was hooked wanting more! You truly used the right words to create the imagery you desired. The flow was just flawless where nothing seemed forced and everything was a joy to read. The pain you described was easy for me to imagine because I could feel the words you expressed came straight from your heart. Well done *5/5*
Pretty good. Awesome word choice and emotions. I also love the storyline. <3 It doesn't feel like it flows very well to me though. Maybe check the meter and eliminate a few words. Other than that very good. I'll give a 4/5