Guilt

Today i paused
and took a good look at my life.
tried to think of the cause
the reason why
why i felt so hurt
why all i do is cry
i have a boyfriend who loves me
& for him i would surely die.
i took deep breathes
breathe in & out
i couldn't stand the feeling
the feeling of doubt.
did i regret this ever happening?
when i thought it was right?
if this is such a blessing
then why are tears filling my eyes?
did i make a mistake?
did i once again fall?
did i cause someone else pain?
did i cause it all?
my heart kept beating faster and faster
i felt it in my chest.
i ran to my phone
& tried to dial his number
but i no longer had any feeling in my hands.
my heart was near bursting
shivers ran down my spine
pain filled my whole body.
a million thoughts clogged up my mind
i tried once more;
to relieve my pain
as i took the phone off the receiver
i dialed his number
and heard him say hello; who's speaking?
i whisper in agony; this is me; Cristina
i hear a sigh and a fake hello, nice to hear from ya
i say look i know your not; and i don't blame you.
i know you thought of just us two;
when i went and ruined it
i didn't know what i was thinking
i didn't know i really didn't
why was i such an idiot
to betray the one i love?
please find it in your heart to forgive me;
i truly am sorry.
i put you through hell and I'm sorry
for all the wrong Ive done
if you dont forgive me i understand
you probably hate me anyway
i didn't know why i called you
sorry; for wasting your time, i hope you have a nice day.
as i slowly begin to hang up
something stopped me and i heard him say
I'll always love you
no matter what you do or say.....