Comments : Come and break the heart

  • 10 years ago

    by Bugg

    Ooh, I loved the end! Normally, I don't read love poems, because I think they're all cliche. Not this one. I mean, yeah, many other people have written on the subject of where love will lead us/the end of love/what love brings, but this one is the best I've read, by far, on any of those. I thought this poem was really, really good! I would give you a 10 if I could.

    ~Kail

  • 10 years ago

    by BREEawNUHH

    "Quietly crawling the heart breaker comes
    Silently whispering high sadistic hums
    Grinning to loves fresh dead scent
    Waiting to cast the veil of torment."

    ^^ The third line doesn't make sense to me. Maybe it's the way I'm reading it, but "grinning to loves.." should be reworded.

    "The victim lays just moments away
    Simply wondering aimlessly as emotions stray
    So vulnerable its hardly a fair game
    To for loves cruel delicate name."

    ^^ "its" should be "it's". And if I'm reading it right, "to" isn't needed in the last line.

    "It's time as the prey no longer shrieks
    The heart has fallen beyond any weak
    Veins no are no longer pumped with vitality
    As the oval coarse heart in us takes reality."

    ^^ The second line doesn't read right to me. Maybe it's me. I don't know.

    "As the blade swings perceive the shape
    lust controls us like any stupid ape
    Envision the reflection on a heart breakers sword
    Many love out of greed with benefits to look towards."

    ^^ I think the first line should be reworded. Maybe.. "As the blade swings, perceive it's shape.."

    "Empty words of " I love you" are simple toys
    To destroy filled hearts is someones joy
    Stare at the joke the naive believe
    Look what the true meaning of love receives."

    ^^ There should be no space after the first quotation ---> "I love you". Third line -- "Stare at the joke, the naive believe". Only addition was the comma.

    "Countless spit on the ultimate prize of life
    Cursed souls are created form this strife."

    ^^ "form" ---> "from", right?

    "Now with a final stab through the heart
    watch all hopeful dreams crumble apart
    Where is the sound of loves clear beat?"

    ^^ I liked this part a lot.

    "Its all buried in a heap of virtuous defeat."

    ^^ "Its" ---> "It's"

    Overall; It was bad. I do believe it could be better, but it's not bad. 4/5

    -Briana

  • 10 years ago

    by BREEawNUHH

    HAH! Crap. I meant to say "It's NOT bad" rather than "It was bad".

    Sorryyyy.
    :|

  • 10 years ago

    by 4 track demo

    So...by "minute poem", does that mean you wrote it in one minute?...i thought there were some superb one-liners in there, and a lot of it flowed very nicely, i didn't feel much passion while reading it though (and im kind of a wierdo like that), not to downplay your work, it was a good piece, but if it took you one minute to write this, i would really like to read one that you spent..say....an hour on :)
    still,. good stuff...
    john

  • 10 years ago

    by SilentSuicide

    Beautiful word choice.

    5/5
    i love this so much<3

  • 10 years ago

    by sweet escape

    Nicely worded and i love they way it had the feel of real love. not my usual cup of tea but it surprized me (in a good way).
    great job.
    5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    This poem had awesome vocabulary, and flowed so beautifully with a rhyme that was NOT forced, which is hard to come by these days. So many people force their rhymes, and I don't think you did that here. Which is great. XD Great poem, very well written.. 5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by xXxemzxXx

    Hey i love this poem its flow is great and it is very discriptive i also loved the vocab you dont often find people who can write the way you do 5/5 keep it up

  • 9 years ago

    by LitxUpxWithxLife

    I have one word...WOW! That was amazing man. I heard your words well, but FELT their meaning even more. It's hard to find good poetry now days but you do an excellent job. Love and Lust are hand in hand and i love how you point out how many people just say the words without feeling their true meaning. That end stanza was flawless. Great timing to end the poem and with perfect finality. (5/5) Only thing i see wrong is spelling errors but who cares, poetry is about passion and emotion not rules. Great job.

  • 9 years ago

    by halie

    Amazing....
    it was so beautiful (:
    i loved it!
    5/5
    :D

    p.s thanks for the comment