Echoes- A Mysterious foreshadowing title for a poem that in my opinion will tell something from the past that continuously reveberates through your mind almost like it echoes. Lets see if Im right.
I can also tell this is a non ryhming poem, im use to reading that kind, but i will still try the best I can.
First Stanza:The flow of this first stanza can be changed and fixed easily by cutting a few words, Taking "to be" out of the third line, and in the fourth Line i see As silent as would the precarious earth standing still, I don't know why but that honestly sounds better,
Compliments:Well my first opinion of what this poem was about was wrong, but I can still see a double meaning in this to come, A you could acutaly be writting about a pianist. OR you could be writting about someone trying to be heard. original comparing, it's good showing that theres more to come.
Second Stanza: An unintentional ryhme here just made the flow here really smooth,
Flow= Reading 2 or more lines and feels as if it is one. I read this entire stanza and was like what? i didn't notice anything wrong.
Compliments:this is forming a picture in my mind of a man of mid 30s in a orchestra tux, closed eyes, and the sound of a choir emmitting from the piano. But i still think this could be about something else
Third Stanza:Im not gunna give u any more opinions about what I think is better sounding because it means the same thing and would probably only effect the sound of the poem in my eyes,(ears),
Compliments: You've been forming a picture in my mind and its almost done, I can't wait for you to do something with it.
Fourth Stanza:Tense, Work on your tenses, just as a person would not write a book using different kinds of tenses, try to stick to ethier Past tense Present or future, Its just different hard to read and the flow doesnt work.
Compliments: So the artist has company, this is reminding me of a book i once read, as you are just emphasing how beautiful his art is.
Fifth Stanza:The word whatsoever broke your flow in this stanza, simply removing him would bring it back.Also in the next line remove Glances in my opinion. Flow is very important in a poem. and scince I dont have ryhme to base it off, I only have imagery and flow.
6th Stanza: very beautiful, it takes alot for me to say something is cute it just isnt something I do. but this was, and now its making me realize things.
Seventh Stanza:Compliments: Not a Boom ending that I always look for, but this poem wasn't building up to that. In only TWO stanzas you showed that you two are fit for eachother, and his light of heart, and such good will will get you both through the challenges of the world.
Imagery:5/5 even more then that acutaly
overall= 4.7/5 cant vote that tho so it rounds up.
Its amazingly hard to capture music in a poem, but you've done an amazing job! I could almost hear the song, and the imagery was lovely. I loved it--would you read my poem Photograph? I think you'd like it.
In front of him lies a grand piano, in perfect shape,
Anxiously waiting for its music to fill the empty room.
Yet it remains to be inaudible, never being heard,
As silent as the precious earth standing still.
^^hmm..interesting an intriguing opening! I liked the visual here it drew me in and caught my eye great wording.
Then without having any second thoughts,
He gracefully pulls out the bench and sits down.
Placing his hands gently over the smooth keys,
A sensational lullaby starts to sound.
^^aw cute! i love guys who play music! they can personalize their feelings and it means the world to the girl. the flow was kept up so far good job!
The melody harmonizes with the low bass,
Creating a composition so flawless in beauty.
His outstretched fingers swiftly moving across,
Never halting for a break, never resting.
^^You have a talent girly!!!! You portray this like a scene in a play or movie i can picture everything happening in my head
As I enter the dim-lighted room for the first time,
His music plays out loud and reaches to my soul.
My heart is touched deeply as I stare blankly,
Astonished that such musical perfection existed.
^^ i absolutely love the second line! my favorite so far!!!
Holding my breath, I ever so carefully walk on,
Hoping not to disturb or startle him with at any costs.
He suddenly turns his head, his lips turning upward,
Inviting me to come and bask in the glory of it all.
^^ re read your second line here babe it is off the wording isn't quite right
No words need be spoken, nor actions be made,
For hearing this melody left me breathlessly speechless.
I lean against him so content, smiling brightly,
As our two joined heartbeats tap in tune together.
^^aww an adorable picture here!!! real chemistry ! : )
Time seemed to pass slowly, knowing to go steadily,
Dreams soon transformed into memories of heaven.
It was growing darker, but his shining eyes never faded,
As his luxurious lullaby echoed on through our hearts.
^^ Love Love Love the ending! perfect! wraps up the poem nicely
Ok the thing i did not like was after you put a , the next lines first word was still capitalized it bothered me maybe just go through and change that!!! other than that perfect wording and flow! 5/5
Interesting poem. Ok, let me start off with the tiny things I found out of place. Maybe it's just me, or maybe I'm on to something but;
verse 4 "dim-lighted" To me, dim is a word that describes a type of lighting, so putting those words together didn't make much sense. I thought dimly lit room sounded better. My opinion however.
"flawless in beauty" this one made me think. Nothing wrong with it, but I thought it was a little of an oxymoron. Beauty is flawed, comepletely! Well, in my eyes. That's why I thought it was nice.
All in all, I really enjoyed the components of this poem. Bringing a passionate love story, for one's instrument. I love music, so I know exactly how that feels. Being away from a piano for a long time, is like a heart break to me.
Waw, your words bring music to my ears and i'm totally lost in a classical wave where instruments replaces words and all left to enjoy is its beaty. Very wonderful write. It merits 5/5, keep it up, kel.
Your poem was so beautiful and mesmerizing. It was very unique and it flowed very smoothly.
"The melody harmonizes with the low bass,
Creating a composition so flawless in beauty."
These lines that you wrote really were so romantic.
You really created poetic art with your words.
I could really see a vision of this romantic scene in my mind. I could really imagine how the music sounded. Great Job 5/5
Awww.... this was so beauitful from beginning to end. it made me smile n i thank you for that cuz this brings me memories happy ones and i almost forgot about them. awww.. it was just beauiful i know i sayed that already it jsut truly it is. truly an Amazing job u have done here.
I love your piece, or should I say your story. The first thing I noticed is that every stanza is fully detailed which is q good trait on your style, but, of course sometimes the deepness is also important
The second thing that I noticed is the vocabulary and metaphors that you used, they`re well picked and it suit correctly on the things that you`re describing. The usage of words is important, it can make the reader to read more, which is thing that you managed to do.
One of the things that really grabbed my attention is the whole poem looks real, it is like a real scenario in theatre. The whole piece is awesome, I hope that I can see more, more works and keep it up.
I liked the title... It fits with the poem in an intersting way...
I'll try to go through each stanza... hope not to be repetitive...
1st: The imagery is very good... The wording is wonderful, as well... I really liked the comparison on the last stanza... It seemed like you were talking about precious stones... :)
Intersting, that you suggest listening to Bella's Lullaby... It fits very nicely with the poem... also, because there is a scene in Twilight where Edward stands before the piano... Although you didn't base it on Twilight, it can be compared...
2nd: very good use of adjectives... it helps a lot with the image of the stanza... not much found of the word "sensational"... yet, i think it's only in terms of personal taste...
3rd: didn't know you could have "low bass" in a piano...
I like how you seem to unintentionally compare the musician to the melody... It's really wonderful... The flow of the poem seems flawless...
4th: Again... A lot of adjectivation... :) although too many adjectives might mess up the poem, here they seem to go with the flow... :)
The emotions in the poem leave me breathless...
I am also "astonished"... :) that your imagery is so great =)
5th: "he suddenly turns his head"... - well, in this stanza, the action is everything but sudden... it flows like a soft melody, through the air... :) the word "glory" reminded me of something angelical... like you are listening to the play of an angel...
6th: this stanza is fantastic... the harmony of both your hearts is a beautiful imagery... now, I am speechless ;)
7th: the "darker" seems to be an indication of the end of the poem... like the closing of the curtains in a theater play... the "memories of heaven" seem also to have a relation with the "glory" of the 5th stanza...
I understand now what you meant by calling the poem "Echoes"
The poem seems to be written by a person with a great depth of soul =)) your descriptions are the ones of a person who carries a good deal of romantism in the heart...
Your imagery takes me to the scene, like if I had been really there... It feels like I can listen to the music (also without "Bella's Lullaby" on the background...)
Although your poem doesn't have many echoing, it is still echoing through me... That means, the title was really well chosen...
First off let me just say I love this movie, book, and most importantly this song!
Anyways on with your poem.
The first stanza was good but to me I felt like there could have been more emotion to pull the reader in and keep them wanting more.
The second stanza is good but to improve maybe look up some synonyms for some of the bland words.
The third stanza was flawless it created a picture and if the reader listens to the song they can relate.
The fourth stanza's words were kind of cliche but the idea was good so maybe use the synonym thing there too.
The fifth stanza also amazing and bery touching you created an emotion that everyone can relate to and it's crisp and strong.
The sixth and seventh stanzas were like clear pictures in my head your vocabulary/word choice did wonders
Wow this poem is so romantic.I like the idea of you creating the poem scene by scene then u came into the scene, I think that is really pretty.I think the words that you've choose really brings the poetry to life.
Wow, this poem is very good. You have a very nice flow, your words are smooth and meaningful. I can honestly say this poem touched my heart; It is sheerly inspiring. I never saw your "notice" at the top until after i had read the poem but it just happened that I was actually listening to Bella's lullaby while reading this, and was just about to recommend you listen to it, while reading. But it appears you have already recommended it above the poem :)
Keep writing! I look forward to more of your work.