Sometimes the most awful things can leave one in awe. I liked this. Short, accurate - almost determined. That probably makes no sense, forgive me. The structure of the poem carried your words well; you built a very clear persona of the water, as well as your hopeless yet eventful journey through it. My two concerns in terms of rhythm were:
a) "And my lungs hardly able to bear" - the flow was a little 'off' - you could potentially replace the 'hardly able' with 'unable'.
b) "And I drown" - I'm not convinced you need an 'and' here. There is already so much linking of ideas and continuity throughout the poem, perhaps this ultimate statement should stand alone in the limelight?
Nonetheless, I fine piece. Well done.
Good poem I gave it a 5/5... you honestly can view this in diffrent ways. Just like a lot of peoms you view it how you think you read it. This could be able life, love, just drowning, or whatever and I still love the poem. Keep up the good work and keep on writing
8 years ago
Such a powerful piece. I could just imagine it happening. And it can be viewed in so many perspectives. 5/5, Em xx