Comments : The Forbidden Kiss

  • 8 years ago

    by Goth marionette

    First of all the rhyme and rhythm were awesome ..I didn't feel that u push words..
    "In my mind he speaks without moving his lips"
    I loved this line the most..
    The whole poem really rocks, I'll add it to my favorites...Keep up the good work;)
    God be wz you.
    *Hugs*

  • 8 years ago

    by Faithless

    Walking at midnight in a garden of red roses
    They fade into black, time is now frozen
    Silver moon shines through shaded trees in my mind
    Revealing dark beauty, no longer confined

    -A very great opening that creates this dark misty systerious atmosphere

    Running in the wrong direction
    Dreams no longer in reach
    Crimson blood flows through a cut
    Smeared upon flushed cheeks

    -I love your creativity you showed here of the bruise

    Reflections are illuminated in a salty sea of untrust
    The prince of shadows arrives, self control turns to dust
    Many steps away in the fog, drawn in by lust
    Clouds cover the moon, denial of him crushed

    -I love how you portray this scene

    Innocence shrouded by a thin layer of silk
    In my mind he speaks without moving his lips
    A mirror forms to block and send back his spell
    Hypnotized by magic, he says, "Only a kiss"

    - here you have managed to capture his aura

    Mesmerized by his eyes, glass shatters inside
    He chants in a foreign tongue, shards slowly mend
    My chest rises and falls to the beat of his heart
    Intoxicated by a melody I don't comprehend

    -having to fall for his charm but couldn't explain it ... i think you have end this poem beautifully

    Overall I really enjoyed the poem, itz something different from the rest that you've ever written

    Excellent Job
    5/5 from me

  • 8 years ago

    by SashaMirage

    Thanks for the for mentioning that TJ, I reworded it and edited it.

  • 8 years ago

    by Diana Barahona

    It was really good.
    loved it.
    thought there was imagry and your rhyming schemed was AWSOMEEEEE!
    :).

  • 8 years ago

    by Knee

    Sasha sweetie..
    I just adore this piece to the fullest.
    I love the rhyme and the music, it seemed really perfect..flowed really well and I can't fin any flaws.

    Reflections are illuminated in a salty sea of untrust
    The prince of shadows arrives, self control turns to dust
    Many steps away in the fog, drawn in by lust
    Clouds cover the moon, denial of him crushed

    This stanza was my favorite..oh I haven't read your poems in such a long time..
    Very touching lines..I'm truly speechless.
    I love the metaphors in your piece..especially the last stanza..I love the last stanza, it's magnificent really. The closure you penned it perfectly.. well done

    and I also have to mention that the beginning of the piece was really so captivating and catchy, sometimes the beginning of the poem determines the rest of the poem and if it really impresses me I go running in reading the rest of it.

    Very impressive work Sasha
    Write on
    Love you xx

  • 8 years ago

    by Mary

    Wow great job
    I really like the words you used in this poem and how you describe everything helps us realy see the story in our minds...
    Great job keep it up :D

  • 8 years ago

    by Cyber Saiyan

    From the beginning, the title was a little plain. I probably would have overlooked the poem if I was glancing through a list of titles.

    Reading through the poem, the words and the imagery was great. The descriptive words were very powerful and the scenes flowed well along the storyline.

    The rhyming scheme was confusing to me though. The first two stanzas are the typical A B C B; but the third stanza switched to A A A A (I am not sure if you ment to do this, or if it just happened). This was a little bit confusing as I read through it; nothing major, but worth pointing out.

    Some readers will be thrown off by the lack of puntucation, but I write with it either.

    Overall, a great poem. The flow was good, the wording was great and the imagery was awesome.

    5/5.

  • 8 years ago

    by H E Losey

    My biggest comment would be to consider the metre/rhythm of your writing, poetry must have a consistent flow.

  • 8 years ago

    by jLegendc

    Whoaa.... it was so poetic it's so hard to understand.. but very creative in painting the detailed images with words... i am really amazed by the way you wrote this.. it's unique! amazing poem =]

  • 8 years ago

    by Teria

    Mesmerized by his eyes, glass shatters inside
    Chanting in a foreign tongue, shards slowly mend
    My chest rises and falls to the beat of his heart
    Intoxicated by a melody I don't comprehend

    ^^GREAT ENDING!!!

    I loved this poem. Your best (from the 3 I've read, haha) by far!

    No criticism here. (:
    Keep it up.

  • 8 years ago

    by CanUKissAwayMyPain

    Amazing job truly. the flow was great. the world were simple but yet powerful.

    Running in the wrong direction
    Dreams no longer in reach
    Crimson blood flows through a cut
    Smeared upon flushed cheeks

    this is my favorite part. it touches me the most. cause in sum way i can relate to it. and i guess other ppl do to. but yeah amazing job once again.
    5/5

    TaKe CaRe,
    Frenchy

  • 8 years ago

    by Grant Gilbert AKA Slash

    Hi Sasha i must say this was an excellent poem , most well written , a most captivating poem for the reader, one that i for one enjoyed thouroughly.
    Very well done

    Grant

  • 8 years ago

    by Mister 47

    This was a very intresting piece to read girl ,

    frnackly even your powem is dark , things in it i can imagine and really relate to real life , i can like hide the reality between your words,

    i loved that part of your dark words even the poem is not rhyming and i love rhyming ones , it capture my imagination from the frist till the end

    great wrk