Not quite sure what the story is here, as for me the words do not all fit together.
In second and third stanzas the rhyme scheme is off/forced. The word "devote" being a verb can not be the object of the preposition "of". Last line "a" should be "an".
Last time i read one of your poems it blew me away, dont let me down with this one,
Title: I didnt see much in the title hopefully theres more to the poem,
First stanza:Second line should be in the present tense, just helps with the flow and easier read,
Misty Forests shrouding us alone, I don't know if you've noticed this but some poems tell a nice flowing story that dont have a beat, these are normaly more emotional, then others have breaks in them like yours does, because it keeps telling something new, so keeping your lines the same length syllable and word wise can help with the overall read,
Second Stanza:What i said above is changing here in this one, its fine but consitensy helps with flow, p.s. Add an A inbetween Affections and Resulting, helps the flow and it explains better the last two lines of this bring it together really nicely, and by what im critiquing you should know that means its really good :)
third stanza:The words here are powerful but the meaning is lost in the part ryhmes that you have here or near ryhmes , sometimes instead of writting quickly take some time and plan your poem, sometimes i write the last line of the stanza and just work my way to it.
No offense Azza theres just to much description in this and no story or no baseline to which to describe, imagine saying that a white blob is being described and it has no emotions, thats all i could make out in my mind, i wont vote, but this started out strong came out weak.
Hello there... I've gotta say ! this poem must be a part of the movie, I dunno how ! but there's something behind the words! something deeper...
it's amazing, the way you describe their emotions, their feeling... well after all i'll never find a word to say how perfect this poem is !
Wow that was very Mysterious and I could feel the magic flowing from your words. Your poems have become a form of art and you have crafted them in a very professional way with your own unique style. Great Job
9 years ago
by The Prince
I liked the quad-rhyme scheme here, it made the poem flow fast, and it was extremely well written. These two lines stood out to me because they had uniqueness and originality:
'Hearts entangled in emotional jungle
Laying inside immortal's tranquil temple'
Connecting the ideas between love and nature is done a lot, but your wording made it more refreshing haha.
Great write mate
Scripts of the mind unable to decode
Burning anxiety waiting to explode
^These lines in addition to the entire last verse are the ones that seem most powerful to me. True love can be like a cyclone at times and I think people sometimes feel like they don't exist in the past or future but do exist in the present which is not a bad thing. If you look back at the past and dwell on the things that might have been, you don't see what is happening today and if you think to far ahead in the future you can set yourself up for disappointment when it comes to love. Live for today.
We all have an idea (script) of what love should be and it does create anxiety to the point we feel we will indeed explode if we cannot figure out what the script says.
I really love your poerty Azzza, I wish I was able to write the way you do.
The only thing I would change would be the line "Existing in neither future nor the past"
just take out "the" before the past, so it reads;
"Existing in neither future nor past"
other than that, the flow and rhyme is very good and a joy to read.
Excellent love poem, very passionate and deep which really moved me! The flow and rhyming was flawless and the wording, every bit of it was perfectly used. An absolutely breathtaking piece, nice work, this was a pleasure to read. 5/5 from me, take care.
Keep writing, always and forever...
Wow, wow, wow! Now, i dont think anyone else has taken the poem like i did. It was based off of Twilight yeah? The movie most likely.. but possibly the books. I am engrossed with Twilight at the moment, so i really loved this poem.
It was a great write. The love written about in the book is spectacular in its own unique way and its a love that many of us can only dream about. You expressed it perfectly i think. Gah, you made me want to go back to reading it again, but i dont have the last book yet haha. Really well done Azzza, a true delight to read. The flow, the rhyme everything made the poem really great. Sorry i got a bit lost up in this comment! Shouldnt get me started on Twlight, you are lucky i stopped when i did. haha.
Well a lovely poem indeed.
Quite powerful from the beginning to the end.
I really like your choice of words throughout the poem. Every stanza is portrayed with such vividness and elegance. The poem has subtle touches of fiction, and the reader is able to enter a whole new, poetical world through your words. Every stanza holds complex, excellently expressed emotions, and it's truly breathtaking. I love the atmosphere that you created. Also, the flow/rhythm of the whole poem seem flawless to me. I usually don't like rhyming poetry, but here rhymes worked very well. Magical piece, captivating in so many ways.
I wanted to highlight favorite line/stanza in the comment, but there are too many great ones.
I really did enjoy watching Twilight and I thought this poem fitted beautifully. The rhyming was brilliant and the flow was carried through ver well.
=] I also really liked your chioce of wording, it added more depth to the piece and each stanza pulled me in more and more as i read on ^^
I find too much confusion in this poem. I'm sorry if thats not what you want to hear, but it just doesn't sound right to me.
The second stanza, to me, just doesn't sit right. And i think you can add more emotion and feeling to it. To me it just seems like you tried to make a lot of words fit that didn't want to. I'm sorry. Truly. Just my opinion. :(