You are, once again, a craftsmen of captivating poetry. Your style is awesome and your words, the best. May you have many years left so you may write such works of art. ^_~"

Very nice. I am not sure if you like or dislike this person you write about. Comparing them a scorpion seems to say you don't now but did at one time. Either way, your poem is well written and the flow is good. The opening verse pulls the reader in and the middle verses keep them until the very end. Nice ending verse, just at the right time. Well done. 5/5

This was wonderful, I enjoyed reading for sure. The flow was fantastic and the imagery was breath taking. I am going to read some more of your stuff :)

I give you a big 5/5!

Stung right in the heart
The poison spreads in me,
Destroying all its art
That keeps from being free.

^^ I don't really like the rhyming here. Same with the flow.

deluded sight of passion,
not discerning what I see,
leaving him access to
the heart with golden key.

^^ I love the first line. The flow is a ton better in this one. But I'm not sure I quite understand the story/message in the stanza.

A key to make it end
this gamble of desire,
he conceals, all his cards
caught with sudden scarlet fire.

^^ This stanza is excellent. the rhyming is perfect along with the flow. I really love the last line, I can really picture it.

Nights of blazing numbness
When he has left and goes,
Prepared to sting the others
with traits of little roes..

^^ I don't really understand this one. The flow isn't quite there. I don't understand the last 2 lines.

The toxin black and oozy
Pouring through my vain,
then reaching to my lungs,
and ending in my brain.

^^ The rhyming is really off for me. But the flow is good.

Spreading in my body
No antidote subsists,
Slowly killing consummately
That I can not resist.

^^ Excellent stanza.

Commencing with convulsions
my heart's speed no more in place,
some sudor weeping down
due the mettle in my face.

^^ I really don't understand this at all. I'm not sure why. I understand what you're trying to get across. But I don' think you've shown it in the best way you could have.

Dampened by the venom
taking all control of me,
soon belonging to the bygone
when my soul has become free.

^^ I love the first line, it's perfect. This stanza is def. my favorite. It has a ton of emotion in it.

Once full of lover's passion
A black mark left on my lips,
Lips that he used to bend to,
To leave a little kiss.

^^ I think it's a good way to end it. But I tink it could be better.

All in all I'm not sure if I really understood the poem.

Soda E>

Im sorry, i wrote a really long comment but my computer messed up and i lost it all.
Ill try again..

This is a truly amazing poem, I like the idea of comparing love to a venom, its not the most original idea but you made it unique.
It tells you enough that you arent confused but not too much so it leaves a lot for the reader to figure out.
There are a few things i would change though:

Stung right in the heart
The poison spreads in me,
Destroying all its art
That keeps from being free.

This is a very good stanza, it immediatly captures the reader attention and makes them want to read on to see how you are going to elaborate on this.

deluded sight of passion,
not discerning what I see,
leaving him access to
the heart with golden key.

This stanza is alos equally amazing but i would change the last line: The heart with golden key to, The hearts golden key. it fits a little better but both sound good.

A key to make it end
this gamble of desire,
he conceals, all his cards
caught with sudden scarlet fire.

I like how youve compared it to gambling, it gives a good image of how you feel about the relationship.

Nights of blazing numbness
When he has left and goes,
Prepared to sting the others
with traits of little roes..

Im not sure if roes is the word youre looking for here. Maybe its a typo or maybe it means something else were you live.

The toxin black and oozy
Pouring through my vain,
then reaching to my lungs,
and ending in my brain.

I this is one of my favourite parts of the poem, the imagery is wonderful, i can see it so clearly its amazing!! :D

Spreading in my body
No antidote subsists,
Slowly killing consummately
That I can not resist.

No antidote subsists, this line is very powerful, it fits so well yet stands out just right.
I would change the word consummately to somehting a bit shorter, its too long and throws off the rythm

Commencing with convulsions
my heart's speed no more in place,
some sudor weeping down
due the mettle in my face.

I love this stanza too, the first three lines are very strong, but im not sure what the line ;due the mettle in my face; means, it doesnt really make sense.

Dampened by the venom
taking all control of me,
soon belonging to the bygone
when my soul has become free.

This stanza is perfect, i wouldnt change anything about it.

Once full of lover's passion
A black mark left on my lips,
Lips that he used to bend to,
To leave a little kiss.

you ended it perfectly, i know its very hard to end a poem with something that makes sense without giving away too much but youve managed to pull it off and it wraps up the poem so nicely

5.5 definatly, im going to read some more of your work :)
-Raylene

(sorry about the lack of punctuation, my keyboard is typing in french instead of english and i dont know how to change it :P)

A good poem. Not necessarily great. I found a few things that bothered me:

Stung right in the heart
The poison spreads in me,
Destroying all its art
That keeps from being free.
>This is the only stanza where the rhyme scheme is a b a b, while the others are a b c b. Maybe fix that, it messes with the flow

deluded sight of passion,
not discerning what I see,
leaving him access to
the heart with golden key.

A key to make it end
this gamble of desire,
he conceals, all his cards
caught with sudden scarlet fire.

Nights of blazing numbness
When he has left and goes,
Prepared to sting the others
with traits of little roes..

The toxin black and oozy
Pouring through my vain,
then reaching to my lungs,
and ending in my brain.
>vain=vein

Spreading in my body
No antidote subsists,
Slowly killing consummately
That I can not resist.
>The third line messes with the flow a bit

Commencing with convulsions
my heart's speed no more in place,
some sudor weeping down
due the mettle in my face.
>I did not understand this one very well.

Dampened by the venom
taking all control of me,
soon belonging to the bygone
when my soul has become free.
>The third line is very confusing

Once full of lover's passion
A black mark left on my lips,
Lips that he used to bend to,
To leave a little kiss.

Over all, a good poem

Peace and prosperity,

(RKD)

"Stung right in the heart
The poison spreads in me,
Destroying all its art
That keeps from being free."

- I really like this stanza, the first two lines grabs my attention, yet I didn't really understand the 4th line to much at first.

"deluded sight of passion,
not discerning what I see,
leaving him access to
the heart with golden key."

- This stanza, I can't see how it has to do with this poem, but then I realized you put a him, and then I realize that you needed to introduce this person in here.

"A key to make it end
this gamble of desire,
he conceals, all his cards
caught with sudden scarlet fire."

- Once I got to this stanza, I saw what you meant by the former stanza and it made sense.

"Nights of blazing numbness
When he has left and goes,
Prepared to sting the others
with traits of little roes.."

- I love this stanza, and I realize that the person who stings is the guy, and now I see how it's killing you.

"The toxin black and oozy
Pouring through my vein,
then reaching to my lungs,
and ending in my brain."

- The wording choice in this stanza is pretty great, and I like how you keep the venom as a theme in the poem throughout it.

"Spreading in my body
No antidote subsists,
Slowly killing consummately
That I can not resist."

-Here I see 2 sides of you, one who loves this guy, but still you can't resist him. I think it describes a lot of girls.

"Commencing with convulsions
my heart's speed no more in place,
some sudor weeping down
due the fire in my face."

-Wow a powerful stanza, and the imagery here is amazing.

"Dampened by the venom
taking all control of me,
soon belonging to the bygone
when my soul has become free."

*Dampened by the venom* Is just amazing word choice to me.

"Once full of lover's passion
A black mark left on my lips,
Lips that he used to bend to,
To leave a little kiss."

-The ending is great because I see that you did love this guy, and you tie the whole poem up. THe poem's theme and the way you put things could be improved a bit, but overall a great poem.
5/5

AMAZING poem! That is the only thing that I have to say, this one went straight to my heart! 5/5

Great poem, i really dug all the vivid wording my favorite stanza is:

The toxin black and oozy
Pouring through my vein,
then reaching to my lungs,
and ending in my brain

the way you decribe the affects of
the poison in this whole poem is breath taking.

Stung right in the heart
The poison spreads in me,
Destroying all its art
That keeps from being free.

^awwww... such a beautiful wonderful way of bring the reader into it. i realie love it. flow was right

deluded sight of passion,
not discerning what I see,
leaving him access to
the heart with golden key.

^nice choice of words. i like them. "the heart with golden key" my favorite line

A key to make it end
this gamble of desire,
he conceals, all his cards
caught with sudden scarlet fire.

^"scarlet fire" wow i love those words they say a lot to me. nice...

Nights of blazing numbness
When he has left and goes,
Prepared to sting the others
with traits of little roes..

^omg i love this part. what u feel wen he gone or away from you. i lubit!!!

The toxin black and oozy
Pouring through my vein,
then reaching to my lungs,
and ending in my brain.

^oh wow this was just amazing. your words pefect flow realie good. and very imaginie. nice.. i wouldnt change a part here

Spreading in my body
No antidote subsists,
Slowly killing consummately
That I can not resist.

^sounds like a drug right here. and love as well.

Commencing with convulsions
my heart's speed no more in place,
some sudor weeping down
due the fire in my face.

^hmm.... sorta lost me here. im thinkin whatcha tryin to say .

Dampened by the venom
taking all control of me,
soon belonging to the bygone
when my soul has become free.

^nice once again nice choice in words.

Once full of lover's passion
A black mark left on my lips,
Lips that he used to bend to,
To leave a little kiss.

^awwww... lovely way of ending ur piece here. i love it!!!

Copyright 2009 D. Albert-Weiss

5/5
TaKe care,
Frenchy

These are very original metaphors that demonstrate the paradox of many lovers

Wow...I like this one even more than the other. Once again it was very unique. You have some interesting ideas. This one has a lot of feeling in it, my favorite stanza is the last.
This poem is going on my favorites, 5/5