A really deep poem, Cara.
At your age I felt the same: who am I? It was a question I asked myself often. Now I am in my forties and I discovered you never really find a question to that answer. At times you think you got it all figured out something unexpected happens and you are back at square one. I often feel life is a train and one should just hop on and enjoy the ride:)
About the armor bit: I learend to keep my distance until I knew I could trust someone...but some people have hidden agenda's and you never know until they suddenly show their true nature.
They have a saying here in Holland: have faith, but trust no one. I am not sure how that can be done, ha ha ha!
Good work, girlie:)
9 years ago
by The Prince
Allow me to drop some suggestions as this has potential to be a really powerful piece.
I liked the rhyme of the first couplet, it allowed those two lines to stand out, and be connected. The first stanza worked well on delivery, and your tone was subtle yet immediate. The 'your' could be anyone which I liked, there was no reference to loved one or anything so there was a hint of mysteriousness here.
'You ask that I let the real me reveal herself to you
How can that be? I haven't actually met her either.'
The delivery could be better here, I think that 'I haven't actually' was too phonetic, and sounded clumsy reading over. Also the overuse of personal pronoun could be quite confusing I'm afraid! As you say at the bottom; you are experimenting, and I'm glad you are but you could improve this couplet by getting rid of 'actually', and keeping the subtlety of 'you'. The asking to reveal bit suggests they are a lover or friend?
'But then again, maybe it's lucky she is in hiding
The thought of being in this world without a shield
Is like a soldier going to war without armor.'
You don't need 'but then again', and the last simile doesn't work since most soldiers don't wear armour (technically speaking), liked the idea of the simile at the ending but you could perhaps rephrase it to make your point clearer.
Overall, it's got much potential and it's nice to see something new from you. :)
It takes time to really know who you are and even harder when someone ask you that question, who are you or reveal yourself to me. TJ is right, these days you almost have to shield yourself from others to a point. Never know what their intentions are. Nice to see a new poem from you.
Love the concept of the piece Cara, though I would like to suggest few things here:
"Your eyes bore into the depths of my being,
I'm curious to know, what you are seeing?"
- Let me first say that your beginning line was good :) loved it for the captivating.
the second one though, I would like to suggest erasing the question mark, because the formation of the line wasn't like a question..or you can just switch places of the two words you and are..so it will be a question and the line would be like this:
"I'm curious to know: what are you seeing?"
I think the colon here is rightly placed, I'm not sure though.
"How can that be if shes anonymous to me?"
- Your line here could've been split up into two..and would give a good rhyme also:
"How can that be
if shes anonymous to me?"
and I don't think you need "the real" in the previous line.
"The thought of being in this world without a shield "
-This line lacks a punctuation mark, it's either a comma or a semicolon, you may ask someone who knows better.
Ok CAra this is an interesting poem but i would love to see it when complete, i must say it is always interesting to read about how people sometimes percieve themselves.
I consider myself a very practical level headed bloke who knows exactly who he is, so this was interesting as i said
Wow Cara your first stanza was FLAWLESS. What an amazing way to open your poem because it kept me interested and made me curious what turns this poem would take. It was filled with power, emotion, and imagery. Just perfect.
"Your eyes bore into the depths of my being,"
^It feels like that somethimes...doesnt it? When a person looks into your eyes it seems they know every secret, every worry, and every fear. Sometimes you wish for them not to know the truth and you attempt to cover it up with a mask but it never words. I have always believed the eyes were the pathway to look into someones soul. To truly see what they are feeling. What an amazing line to begin your poem with.
"I'm curious to know, what you are seeing"
^I loved the rhyme with "seeing" and "being" It was subtle and worked with your poem. Sometimes people see us differently then we see ourselves...
"If you stumble into who I am along the way,
be sure to introduce me."
^I loved how you used the word "stumble" To me it implies that their true intention wasnt to see who you are but if they do run into it then please reveal it. "Be sure to introduce me" Sounds to simple but held so much meaning, I loved it. We grow through life not knowing who we truly are and wish someone would provide us with the answers to our infinite questions. The way I see it is we have to leave life to truly see who we are. We have to go through the hardships, cry with the sad, smile with the happy, basically live and work through everything that it thrown at us and then I'm sure along the way we find who we truly are.
"You ask that I let the real me reveal herself to you"
^After that amazing stanza, this line sounded a bit wordy to me. I liked the meaning behind it and where you were going with it but maybe taking out some words will help make it flow better.
"The thought of being in this world without a shield
Is like a soldier going to war without armor"
^Great similie my dear. Perect way to describe a person living life with nobody to depend on as a sanctuary.
I feel like this poem was unfinished for me. I think you could do so much with it. I loved how you started it, it was so perfect and the meaning throughout it all was very profound. I think you should add some more to it but dont force it, let it come to you and it will turn into a masterpiece. I loved how the format of it was different than the norm because it made it that much more interesting to read. Let me know if you do add more to it because I'm curious.
I really did enjoy this though Cara. You should be proud. :]
Well the 1st satnza draws me right into the poem.I love how you experimented with this poem. I like how you're still trying to know and understand the real you. Well at certain point of our life, we usually have an identity crisis, where we question ourself "Who am I?"
Well certainly it was a delightful to read this poem of urs. Keep it up