Comments : In the Darkness.

  • 9 years ago

    by Spirit

    A sad poem about loosing passion. It took me a while to figure out what your metaphors were trying to say, I had to read it twice. Once I got it however, I found myself drawn into the story to no longer being in love.

    Thanks for the read

  • 9 years ago

    by NiQk

    Great poem! It wasnt too short but not too long. i loved the intensity and the flame metaphor, if thats what you were shooting for

  • 8 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "In the Darkness,
    In the Shadows,
    the silence grows
    The flame,
    the initial spark is dying."

    This was a haunting opening, it sets the scene perfectly for the reader. I have no suggestion, this had me reading on and kept my attention.

    "The passion, the lust, all is apparent,
    but I can't see you clearly.
    Your eyes are cloudy,
    I can't read them, so the silence grows."

    Well-expressed, you made the reader feel this too...I liked the repeat of "silence grows" too, that was a nice touch.

    "The flame, the intital spark is fading."

    Normally I don't like repeats that much in a poem, or I find it cliche in some cases, but it just fit here, the repeat, so great work!

    "Is it my light thats fading away, or our light,"

    "thats" should be "that's".

    And you need to end this line with a question mark, trust me it will look and read better.

    "I can't distinguish between them."

    I love how you just say this so plainly yet it strikes the reader.

    "If one fades can the other survive?"

    Very thought-provoking, you know how to capture the reader.

    "I am unsure, but the silence is growing.

    Stronger, I fear it will entually consume. "

    These last two lines were so haunting, and the comma's were used well, it gave that perfect pause, that perfect pause where you hold your breath for what will come. A very descriptive, deep and expressive piece. Very few suggestions, you have penned this well.

    Take care and God bless you, Child of God!