Comments : The Breeze Is Ours

  • 8 years ago

    by Ingrid de Klerck

    Michael:)

    Sometimes, when I write I can almost feel the sparks in my head as it bursts from creativity. I can see from your work, you have that too. It comes from deep within and it brings forth a very different kind of poetry.

    I loveeeeeeeeeeeeee this poem!

    This shape poetry is fun and allows you to enhance the feeling you are trying to portray with an image.

    Falling, rising...like hope does within a heart hungry for love and affection. I am glad the upward part came second *grins*

    One minor detail: plain should be plane?

    "never cast a tear, my dear"

    ^^
    This is so you: the kind, loving English gentleman:)

    Scattered on the wind I cry for you..

    ^^^
    I don't want you to cry, ever:/

    You are such a special man, Michael and it shines through all you write.

    Love you so much, my dear friend:)

    ((hugs)) xx

    5/5 Ingrid

  • 8 years ago

    by Sylvia

    I agree with the first two commenters. Very different and I like the way of the rise and falls. It is a good love poem and your message is well taken. Good job.

  • 8 years ago

    by Cindy

    Micheal
    You did a awesome job on this piece. It is filled with so much emotion. Love the imgarey. Your talent is shining dear poet.
    excellent job!
    ((hugs))
    Cindy

  • 8 years ago

    by Lynn Anderson

    I found this peice very artistic and stunning! 5/5

  • 8 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    This poem blew me away, I loved how you took words like [falls, rising...] and used your unique form to show them. I have never seen that done before.. I really loved it!

    'Hand in hand we danced and became lost,
    Lost in each others hearts,'
    `I liked that you said 'lost in each others hearts' thats something so much different than saying you got lost in each others eyes..way to put something original in there instead of something cliche. ELiminating cliche in poetry is very important, and to replace it with your own thoughts and ideas is so impressive.

    'Spirits swirl across the plain.'
    `spirits swirl is a great alliteration, and your flow of this poem is great..

    'I can feel your sweet breath caress me.'
    `breathtaking this line is, and simply beautiful

    ''Never cast a tear my dear..
    For our love sways with the breeze'
    `This is gorgeous... it leaves the reader speechless.. what a great end

    Well done Darcy...!

    5/5.

    Temps.

  • 8 years ago

    by Timothy r

    What a great way to write a poem, and for inspiration, you couldn`t do much better, I really enjoyed reading this poem. Timothy r

  • 8 years ago

    by Rachel RTVW

    I liked the structure, that was creative however, I think the rhyming is forced and many lines are cliche. The wording was simple and not very creative or unique.

  • 8 years ago

    by JAZMIN

    The idea and the creativity in this is great! I love the structure on it!
    Great job!!

  • 8 years ago

    by The Prince

    Nice structure, you pulled it off.

    'roll over lonely rocks,'

    How can something plural be lonely? If you're going with that image then explore the image a bit more and open up the language. 'Lonely' is an overused word.
    I have a problem with how 'lushness' can 'sway'.

    ''Never cast a tear my dear''

    Could be considered cliche and I find that how the narrator is suddenly addressing someone isn't as disquieting since you used the speech marks. Hit and miss for me though.

    'Hand in hand we danced and became lost,
    Lost in each others hearts,
    Helplessly, forever and unashamed
    Spirits swirl across the plain.'

    You can't shake the cliche of those first two lines away really. It's been said before too many times. Perhaps a bit too fantasy for my liking though I liked that third line. It stood out and I can't put my finger on why.

    'and then blackened with relentless tar.'

    Didn't like this though, it's one of those images that seems like a good idea but in hindsight it's too clunky and overstating.

    'I can feel your sweet breath caress me.'

    Caress could be replaced since it's one of those tacky words that make love poems sickly.

    ............ up we dance again.'
    ..........g
    ........n
    .......i
    ....s
    ..i
    R'

    Well done on that though, nice on the eyes.

    The ending was a bit too trite for me but I suppose it works in the context of the rest of the poem.

    Not your best but I'm not a big love poem fan so that could probably be why.

  • 8 years ago

    by PinkyPrincess

    WoW! I love this poem! It's not only beautiful but it is so unique and original! I love how you structured it and it fit in perfectly with the poem! The meaning is just as beautiful... I especially loved the lines:
    "Hand in hand we danced and became lost,
    Lost in each others hearts,
    Helplessly, forever and unashamed
    Spirits swirl across the plain."

    Lovely poem! Great job :)