Ship in a Bottle

by Ben   Jul 12, 2009


Often I sit and ponder how,
How can so much beauty fill your heart,
So much in such a small space,
There has been only you from the start.

For there is a great expanse of love,
And it fills every inch of your skin,
You must be on bursting point,
My Heart, I wish I knew where to begin.

You seem like a ship in a bottle,
So many intricacies packed so tight,
My ship in a bottle ...
Such an amazing sight.

You kindness flourishes my heart,
You grow where I though all were dead,
Caressing my torment tenderly,
Within my skin, your love's embed.

The aura of your sweetness,
It flows throughout my world,
Filling me sense by sense,
You make my love unfurl.

Never can I give up hope,
Faithful is every breathe you take,
For I shall treat you tenderly,
You are my snowflake.

You seem like a ship in a bottle,
So many intricacies packed so tight,
My ship in a bottle ...
Such an amazing sight.

With a smile as bright as the sun,
Your happiness fills my soul,
Filled with a joy rivaled by no other,
Only you has the key to my heart hole.

You seem like a ship in a bottle,
So many intricacies packed so tight,
My ship in a bottle ...
Such an amazing sight.

© Ben.S 2009 July 13th

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  • 14 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Often I sit and ponder how,
    How can so much beauty fill your heart,
    So much in such a small space,
    There has been only you from the start."

    Second line: Change to this for a smoother read:

    "How so much beauty can fill your heart,".

    Otherwise, this was a good opening, I can feel the emotions given off already.
    ---------------------------------------

    "For there is a great expanse of love,
    And it fills every inch of your skin,
    You must be on bursting point,
    My Heart, I wish I knew where to begin."

    Third line: "on" would sound better changed to "at".

    You expressed yourself very well here, that last line really had me going though, had me reading on.
    ----------------------------------

    "You seem like a ship in a bottle,
    So many intricacies packed so tight,
    My ship in a bottle ...
    Such an amazing sight."

    Great depth here, and I love that word "intricacies", very unique. I don't hear that word all the time.
    ------------------------------------

    "You kindness flourishes my heart,
    You grow where I though all were dead,
    Caressing my torment tenderly,
    Within my skin, your love's embed."

    In the first line, "You" should be "Your".

    In the second line, maybe reword to this:

    "You grow places I thought were dead,".

    The last two lines of this stanza were my favorite, so much passion is portrayed here, nice job so far. I just love that word "embed"!
    ---------------------------------

    "The aura of your sweetness,
    It flows throughout my world,
    Filling me sense by sense,
    You make my love unfurl."

    Excellent job, this is a touching piece about someone deeply in love with his soul mate.
    Well-expressed emotions and feelings.
    ----------------------------------

    "Never can I give up hope,
    Faithful is every breathe you take,
    For I shall treat you tenderly,
    You are my snowflake."

    I didn't really like the repetition of "tenderly", since you already repeated it above.

    The last line, in my opinion, was a bit more personal, like that is your nickname for her. Because I've never heard that used before.
    --------------------------------------

    "You seem like a ship in a bottle,
    So many intricacies packed so tight,
    My ship in a bottle ...
    Such an amazing sight."

    Good repetition, it didn't bore me but added a nice touch.
    ----------------------------------

    "With a smile as bright as the sun,
    Your happiness fills my soul,
    Filled with a joy rivaled by no other,
    Only you has the key to my heart hole."

    In the first line, I was a bit disappointed because that is a cliche simile and I was hoping for something more original.

    In the third line, you repeat "fill" which threw me off, maybe change to the second line to this:

    "Your happiness feeds my soul,"

    In the fourth line, "has" should be "have".

    I didn't really love "heart hole", it just sounded a bit odd to me, but that's my opinion.

    That way, there is no repetition.

    And then to end it up, the first stanza...

    Overall, 4/5 from me, there were just some rocky spots where I think you could be more creative. But otherwise than that, this was a powerful and heartfelt love poem, good work.

    Take care and God Bless You!

    ~MaryAnne