Comments : Empty Eyes; Windows

  • 8 years ago

    by Beautiful Chaos

    Very nice, I like the scene you set and the mood as well, your flow was also nice, I look forward to the continuation. Good work.

  • 8 years ago

    by WitherBlisterBurnandPeel

    Great imagery, it really draws you in. A great start to a story. I'm certainly interested in reading what happens next!

  • 8 years ago

    by Sora Lynn

    Nice work!! I could picture every line! Poems such as these keep the reader interested, i can't wait to read what comes next. keep writing! you have much talent. 5/5

    -Ashlei

  • 8 years ago

    by E

    I wanted to comment, because we are in the same club. And you said you wanted someone to read your poem, but they didn't have to comment.
    But I hate reading and not commenting, so I am going to comment and rate it too.

    “A thickened forest to block the view
    Shuttered windows let no light through.
    Dusty halls and battered frames,
    Pictures hung with out any names.”

    Great start. I love the picture it creates in my head, and the rhyming it flows. It also matches the poem, it’s not the awkward kind of rhyming. (I hope you know what I mean, because it’s sorta weird that I just keep rambling.)

    “Rays of light where walls are cracked
    And empty mansion, cold and black.
    Overgrown with weeds and brush
    Unearthly silence where thoughts are hushed.”

    Nice stanza, but I think you meant to say an empty mansion instead of And empty mansion.

    “Dirty floors and broken glass
    Memories present and memories past.
    A secret solace where spirits may hide
    So full are the rooms, yet unseen by the eyes.”

    Interesting. (There are not other words in my head that can describe this stanza. It’s a good loss for words, not a bad one, just in case you are wondering.)

    “Pianissimo playing so soft,
    The tune of the dying, unable to talk.
    A gentle weeping down long corridors.
    And echoing footsteps on hard marble floors.”

    I get this spooky feeling when I read this part. (Maybe you meant to do that?)

    “Insects crawling over dusty glass shards.
    Leaves from the season tracked in from the yard.
    Incredible mansion left to rot in thick rust.
    A place so alone, left behind without much.”

    Marvelous imagery.

    I really like the way you write, your words flow together so nicely and it makes me want to read more that you are writing. You are an AMAZING writer, keep up the EXCELLENT work. (:
    51564321/5 (:
    Keep writing,
    Erna

  • 8 years ago

    by Wake

    Aha! Ha ha! (thats not me laughing, thats me going "Oh Wow" In my vocally retarded tone.)

    Talk about imagery.
    Oh man!

    I had to stop after every stanza 'cause I found myself breathing deep as my imagination took over. and sent that old familiar feeling throughout my body , in ripples. you know.
    This one speaks slowly to me. of struggles and solemnity and whispers and mystery.
    Twas absolutely enchanting, this one.
    and i think the most beautiful part was the fact that it was so poignantly written , so to me. that just elevates the magic of this one too a whole new level.

    An Awe-inspiring Job.
    (I have never said this before and not meant it.)
    So, So good to read you again.
    Glad to know you're still writing. Wonderful.

    -Wake