Comments : Muddled Sentiments

  • 7 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    As though dandelion leaves
    have sprung a leak
    ^Well this was rather unique & something that definitely made me pause, to admire and interpret your lines. To me this is a reference to fall - to create a metaphor - dandelion leaves being leaves the color of a dandelion. 'have sprung a leak' definitely took me by complete surprise. The wording was unusual yet creative & definitely emphasizes something falling fast, like water leaking out of a pipe or something... I also absolutely love the title, definitely drew me in immediately.. muddled sentiments, I love it!

    and the void you left
    'tween heart and soul
    is tickled by wishes.
    ^ not sure that 'and' is needed here, however it's entirely up to you, it helps with transitioning, but it doesn't seem like it needs to be used.

    but weary eyes leave;
    room for thought.
    ^for punctuation here I would take the semi colon out after leave and instead of a period after thought i'd put the semi colon there, it flows much better & hast he most effective pauses if written like that. my opinion of course.

    while sleepless nights
    - they think too.
    ^ I loved the personification here - to say that nights have the ability to think... definitely creative.

    and the impression of breath
    you left 'pon cheek
    is that of scattering ants -

    dazed by a pulse;
    ^Another really unique & unusual metaphor but definitely creative...never have I heard something like someone's breath be described as a bunch of ants scattered. I do love that you went on and used the 'muddled sentiments' to tie to the meaning of the 'scattered ants' - it makes a whole lot of sense because muddled sentiments are said to be mixed up - so you're basically saying the same thing here, yet in a different, creative way, I loved it lots. The imagination in this piece is very interesting & impressive.

    These thoughts are sandpaper
    'pon my chest,
    ^I saw 'pon above and wasn't sure what the meaning of it was.. I have never seen the word 'upon' written 'pon, well maybe I have but its really rare that I ever do, I must say I didn't really like it, it seemed off to me, however I know you used 'tween so I suppose you're trying to stay consistent, however it didn't work for me. It's not one of those words that I think is meant to be written that way - may just be me! I don't know. The sand paper idea was good, maybe not as great as the metaphors you had before it but I thought it worked.

    You definitely have a unique style & imagination which always leaves the reader with a very interesting piece to read. I definitely enjoyed this, thanks for sharing.

  • 7 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    I think this is really worth it job!
    u have done a gr8 work..u penned down not only my fav style as free verse...but a very sad one..with so much emotions..and expressions...which u wrote in a very poetic way.

    i love the word choice...the line format and extremely the softness in ur sad words !!
    was a very unique piece in my opinion,,i can relate.

    well luck for the weekly contest...deserves a nomination


  • 7 years ago

    by Lu

    Mel you always tickle my mind with your creativity.
    Clicking on a new poem of yours is like opening gifts at Christmas ... lol
    The wrapping is wonderful and then you get to the best part ... what is inside.
    And I have never been disappointed by any of my Christmas gifts ... lol

    Ok on to the poem

    but weary eyes leave
    room for thought,
    while sleepless nights
    - they think too.
    This is my favorite part !
    The insertion of the last line give the reader a pause and time to think of what lays beneath the words.

    These thoughts are sandpaper
    'pon my chest,
    Amazing lines !
    It gave me the feeling of ... right before you cry when the tears just start and that lump feeling you get in your throat.

    Wonderful write Mel
    Gawd you are so creative, I envy your talent ... lol

  • 7 years ago

    by Nee

    "and the void you left
    'tween heart and soul
    is tickled by wishes."
    I really like the image you left here =) it is as though there is a feeling of sympathy and hope at once. Love it!

    "but weary eyes leave
    room for thought,
    while sleepless nights
    - they think too. "
    Love this stanza, I feel like it has something for me lol, maybe the way you penned it.

    I like the simplicity in your piece honey =) and I have definitely missed your poetry, I can see you're struggling for a comeback, I know because I know your style and this poem is pretty much different than the others. Still, you're always shining with your poetry =)

    Write on and let photography inspire your poetry!
    <3 ya

    P.S I'm almost back..