Comments : Love being loved by you

  • 7 years ago

    by M Colella

    You have it all in this one. The emotional value along with some sadness and longing. I really think you have something going for you. Awesome

  • 7 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    Omg I have to agree with angel..this is just beautiful and breath taking...and I see you despite poetry and bla.,. the best lyricist EVER !!
    you should start working on that and find a good job..yoiu would make fortunes..
    you have the ability to write some of the best SONGS ..
    my god how amazing this is..I just love IT..

    you should write some new poems to be nominated..REALLY


  • 7 years ago

    by E

    I haven't even read it all through and I'm smiling, I've seen a couple lines, the title, and the fact that it's a song, but you have no idea how excited I am to read it! The last poem I read of yours was brilliant, I bet this one will be too. :D

    "Laid out in silence, you see hes a broken man,
    Mute Mouth, Loud mind, hes a Unspoken man
    Cause the last words he said, came back to haunt him
    Mock him. stalk him. Play him and Taunt him"

    ^^^ I like the way you started off. At the moment, that last line seems like a playground rhyme that girls sing when they're jumping rope. I think you should take out the and, and make it sort of like a tri-colon. It would have a better appeal to the reader, something like "Mock him, stalk him, play him; taunting him." I don't know if you like that, but it's just a suggestion, if you don't like it you don't have to change it. Also, if you're worried about changing taunt because of haunt, you can just change the last half of that line to "are coming back to haunt him". But I totally understand if it messes the flow of your song, it's yours not mine. :) Nice opening stanza though. Something else you should consider changing-- hes to he's, and not capitalizing the first of a letter unless it is the beginning of a sentence.

    "Hes stuck on this lady. stuck like adhesive glue
    Listen up baby. cause this a heeds to you
    I'm missing all your loving. So i Plead to you
    Love me, Hug me. just hear me, as i concede to you"

    ^^^ (Same thing as up there; hes to he's, no capitals unless needed, and capitalize your "I"s) I think that when you added adhesive it hindered the flowing to the poem. Also, if you played with punctuation, your poem would read much more nicely. For example: "Listen up baby-- cause this heeds to you." I know it's a song, and you might be thinking "Why does it matter anyway, no singer will sing a word then say dash or semi-colon" but if you're reading it and it has more syntax then the reader gets more insightful and your piece is better.

    "that your lovely tan skin, makes me quiver within
    Running through my mind till my head gets a spin
    that your beautiful brown eyes makes me shiver and grin
    Thinking bout Our lips. Wishing thats where they've been"

    ^^^I just sang that to myself like 4 times. Lol. Just wondering, is adding "that" to the first line really necessary? I don't think it gives much meaning to the line, and it makes get in the way of the flow. Thats should be that's. That in the first line should be capitalized, and our should not. I do like the image of the girl you've painted it's vivid. Also, I wish your rhyming stayed a little bit more consistent. You have it rhyme at the middle and end, then at the end three times. It's a little hard to catch on. Also, (I'm probably going to get very old with this) PUNCTUATION!!!! You two need to go on a date! I don't think "Thinking bout our lips" is a complete sentence, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it would be SO MUCH BETTER if you added that fragment with the last part of that line.

    "Let me O.D. your hugs are like an ecstasy
    Trip of emotions, Love is like having sex with me
    I'm addicted to your love. like you put a hex on me
    Glued to my brain. I'm just stuck on your per-plex-ity"

    ^^^ One thing about this stanza that I like is the whole drug reference. I like how it went on consistently through with the whole stanza and didn't change. I also like "per-plex-ity" it gives a good affect on the reader, it has me thinking "I wonder why he did that? Why didn't he just spell it correctly instead of dividing it like that?" Which is GREAT! It engages the reader/listener (which ever you want) in a very good way. If you're going to have choppy sentences like that, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE capitalize correctly. I really believe that when authors don't capitalize it hinders their credibility and it hinders how great the poem actually is because the reader is distracted with that.

    "I love being hugged. As long as its by you
    I love being loved. As long as its by you
    I love being bugged. As long as its by you
    baby. I. love. being. Loved... By. You"

    ^^^I can hear this singing in my head, it went together very well. Again, my only problem is syntax choices.

    "Its Ideal to say your hot, but not. cause its scorcher
    Every time i see a pic of you. I drop.... Ms. Torture
    Every time I blink i see you. Your imprinted to my brain
    I was meant to be yours. Like its written on my veins"

    ^^^I don't know about this stanza.... The rhymes are choppy in the first line, and the rhymes at the end of the first line and second line aren't very clear. The last two lines are getting better, I see the imagery you are trying to portray. I'm going to get really annoying with this, David, but I won't stop!!!! Picture not pic, and Is need to be capitalized!!

    "This is something new to me. a high like cocaine,
    I cant put you into words, so thats why its hard to explain
    Beauty cant describe you, I promise you I'm not playing
    I'm trying to let you see my love, a feeling i cant contain"

    ^^^ Can't not cant, that's not thats, I not i. I really like this stanza-- again with the drug references, and once again the consistency in it is a definite plus.

    I love being loved. Its a feeling of Greatness
    I love being loved. Its a feeling of weightless
    I love being loved. A feeling so space-less
    I love Your love. tasteful yet tasteless"

    ^^^This is probably my favorite stanza, simple yet it carries deep meaning. I'm sure anyone that has been in love knows this feeling, and the plain fact anyone can relate to it makes this stanza so great and powerful.

    "I love being hugged. As long as its by you
    I love being loved. As long as its by you
    I love being bugged. As long as its by you
    baby. I. love. being. Loved... By. You"

    ^^^ I like the repetition you brought here. It's not too frequent for me, and it fit in very nicely.

    "You got me wrapped up and twisted
    Your love I have missed it,
    Even if though its only a minute
    Its a minute I'm lifted."

    ^^^ AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. This stanza fit in perfectly. I LIED I LIED. This one is my favorite. The rhyming was perfect and your message was flawless as well!! :D GREAT JOB!! This stanza has nothing to be changed.

    "I just want to go back in time. and embrace your grace
    Hold your small body. love and kiss your face
    Hold your small hands. and stay right beside you
    I love being loved.. As long as its by you."

    ^^^ Once again with the punctuation. But I'm going off of things I've said previously, I like how this stanza fits in with the rest of the poem/song thing. I'm digging the imagery you added in, stunning picture. It's like HD in my head. XD

    "I love being hugged. As long as its by you
    I love being loved. As long as its by you
    I love being bugged. As long as its by you
    baby. I. love. being. Loved... By. You"

    ^^^ Nice way to end it, don't really have much to say about it.

    So that was a very long comment. lol. In summary, I need to get you on a blind date with punctuation/capitalization/grammar. This was a good poem/song. If it's good with all these errors, just imagine what it will be like when/if you go back and revise it!? It'll be brilliant, David. Another suggestion, but don't take this one too seriously, I was wondering if maybe you could add the last stanza in somewhere more in the beginning of the poem? Then it would sort of balance out. You don't have to, I am by no means a song person, I have no idea what goes into it, just saying.

    Good job David!!!!
    Can't wait to read some more!