Comments : Astronomical

  • 6 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    This is beyond fantastic Paul !
    a veryyyyyyyy uniqueeeee poem, with the widest imagination, and newest wording that I have read lately. Your work seems to be like fresh air !!

    Traveling for light-years across the Universe
    Carried by that movement, a galactic ballet
    To tell you what I feel there is no better place
    ^^add a comma after "feel "
    We belong to the great and gorgeous Milky Way
    ^^^^^
    mmm if you take off the "and" between great and gorgeous and place a comma , it would be richer . However
    I guess 1st of all that it's a free verse right? since not all the stanzas rhymed ...however if that's the case then your opening stanza is extremely amazing..with a very romantic thought, impressing that I believe it made me feel as if this love is that much elegant and important, and worthy that it belongs to such a magical place..
    A very interesting beginning Paul !

    I believe you were born in a blue nebula
    ^^FANTASTIC
    That chose to transmit you all its magnificence
    ^^^
    add a comma after you.. and I am not sure but you may need to say all of its magnificence .
    But however this is just outstanding!!!!wow

    You have become a star, brighter than a nova
    And beautified spacetime with your dazzling presence
    ^^take off the "And", say you or anything else..or nothing at all,,would work and space time is 2 words so separate them .

    >>anyhow this is the most magnificent vision that I have ever got to see through poetry..you have such a potential !!

    I'm sure constellations would all like to wear you
    As a precious jewel, on their celestial lines
    In the whole galaxy star clouds are jealous too
    From any point of view sky's treasure is your shine
    ^^^^WOWOWOWOWWWW you blew me awaaaaayyyyyyy.. I am speechless..out of words..am taken away..you really done a fantastic job.

    >>review your last line, and add a comma after view.

    I was just cosmic dust lost in the Infinite

    ^^very creative and imaginative.I admire your sense of creativity

    Gravitational fields sometimes do miracle
    Yours has modified me, creating a planet
    No doubt that I will now turn around an angel

    ^^^^this is breathtaking..and I love how you made us feel and KNOW how amazing this lover is and how strongly this love has effected you..in a way creative way..

    your last line is your weakest if I to be honest, and the poem deserves a stronger one..try edit that..

    but if you disagree then all is cool.

    but you will soon be well known over her,e trust me..keep writing!!!

    5/5 NO BEET nominated for the weekly contest

  • 6 years ago

    by Sean

    Great first submitted poem with great imagery, felt like i was in space

  • 6 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    Honestly I thought this poem was absolutely impressive. Most will take such an idea and create a poem that is so dull and does not really gain much interest from the reader but I just love how you expressed yourself here, everything was great. It wasn't overly cliche, maybe a little bit but not as bad as what I usually see. However, I wasn't really too keen on the title for some reason. I get where you're coming from with it, but I wish there was something stronger, because it didn't really lure me in as much as I had hoped, but I figured I'd check it out anyways and I'm glad I did. However, a title is your first impression to the reader and it should be a good one.

  • 6 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    I noticed the change of title. Why not just keep it simple 'Astronomical.' It makes much more sense, we know it's a poem.