Comments : Like the flowing river

  • 7 years ago

    by Fear2love

    Wowzer.. Dude... U rock man... Ur different haha

  • 7 years ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    Melodic & simple, a poem that goes straight to the point. Most excellent.

    I might suggest adding punctuation to improve the flow (pardon the pun).
    Since you are dealing with feelings, maybe you could also change "see" in the last line to "know," recalling line 8.

  • 7 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    Sorry for being late :)

    this poem is just excellent indeed; amazing word choice Zarel ..with adorable passion; breathtaking expressions..

    and i agree with Sir Lar :)

    so if you want my suggestions i would make these changes..or look this is an edited version if you like it :
    and i will take offf the capitalization from EACh single line..it's so distracting to keep them all capitalized and takes from the meaning..in a way and another.
    so here we go :

    Like the flowing river
    my feelings are a stream,
    which is taking its source
    in the fact you exist,
    quietly moving, carrying
    your image from my mind
    to my heart;
    I know it is love.

    Like the flowing river
    with its serenity,
    if my feelings could be
    a stream in your being,
    quietly advancing
    carrying tenderness,
    from your mind to your heart;
    Then you could know my love

    ^^^you need a more specific ending zarel..like she could know what..?
    and if my changes would effect your syllable count..since i know u work on that..although it's not a form..then just

    do the following:

    Like the flowing river
    my feelings are a stream,
    which is taking its source
    in the fact you exist,
    it's quietly moving
    carrying your image
    from my mind to my heart;
    then I know it is love

    Like the flowing river
    with its serenity,
    if my feelings could be
    a stream in your being,
    quietly advancing
    carrying tenderness
    from your mind to your heart;
    then you could know my love.

    punctuation..that's all XD 5/5

  • 7 years ago

    by Zar Eldeen

    2 comments suggesting punctuation... ok ok! lol
    Thanks

  • 7 years ago

    by E

    "Like the flowing river
    my feelings are a stream,
    which is taking its source
    in the fact you exist
    It's quietly moving,
    carrying your image,
    from my mind to my heart...
    Then I know it is love"

    ^^^I read your first sentence and immediately smiled. :) "Like the flowing river my feelings are a stream". That simile was great. Also "It's quietly moving, carrying your image, from my mind to my heart... Then I know it is love" -- I love this too. I don't know about everyone else, but I could imagine this like there were little Oompa Lumpas carrying down a beautiful woman's image towards your heart, singing and dancing.

    "Like the flowing river,
    with its serenity,
    if my feelings could be
    a stream in your being,
    quietly advancing,
    carrying tenderness,
    from your mind to your heart...
    Then you could know my love"

    ^^^ The places where you decide to make a new line are wonderful. It's breathtaking.

    Short and simple. Well, not very simple, I've always come to think that the short poems are usually the ones with the most meaning, it just depends on how you interpret it. I really liked this poem. Enjoyed the way you started both stanzas with "Like the flowing river" I thought it felt very well.
    Great job,
    5/5
    Keep Writing,
    Erna