Comments : You-

  • 7 years ago

    by The Princess

    Interesting write, Jane, although I'm not sure about the ''Do you feel'' being repeated four times or so. I think you can change them with something that's the same in meaning but not exactly the same words or perhaps you can even do with them. something like this:

    ''Do you feel me when I tell you,
    I am writing this poem for you?
    like I am referring to an inadmissibly
    absent figure?
    (you can even add ''or'' before ''like'' I think)

    Do you feel like you are a solid being,
    or a barren shadow of a whole?
    Is there a y o u for me to write to?''
    (I removed a line here)

    which is just a suggestion. not extremely sure about it. but I'd say you certainly need to put some space in there, when the poem is a whole piece it gets harder to read. or perhaps again it's just me.

    Now back to the poem, I think this was pretty interesting. new even. How many times do we read something on here and wonder who is the ''you'' behind the words and who is it the author/poet had in mind.

    I can imagine two people writing to each other feeling comfortable in their words yet uncomfortable as they read eachother's. questions arising on whether or not the other person would read behind the words and know it's for them or one of them reading the other's work and lingering on the wild possibility of ''can it possibly be me?''.

    I also like the twist in ''when you write ''you'''' and ''when I write ''you'''' , the assumption and all. pretty clever. although I would suggest removing the ''because'' and again adding some spaces. Great write all in all.

  • 7 years ago

    by A lonely soul

    So simply but beautifully written. Short, brainy, words that convey love, nevertheless.

  • 7 years ago

    by Jon914

    I liked this

  • 7 years ago

    by Kips

    Hmm...twisting my mind to understand the concept of this piece. I guess your 'you' is different from mine. I've written two poems with the title 'you' too...but your point in this poem gave a different dimension to the word you and a little poetical twist to it. Good job! Keep writing!!