^ It has many beautifully written stanzas but my favorite is: (especially the first 3 lines, awww, lovely!)
"Among the fallow sands round thousand sapphire tides,
I find jubilation within the ostentatious delicacy of your splendor,
in an era that goes beyond felicity.
If at most you were to capture this luster
in the framework of your mind,
then at most you would know nothing of the sanctity
your being throws at me. "
I'm not sure why you posted these two poems together. One is a free-verse and the other is a rhyming, metered verse. I think it's best to stick with one style or the other.
In this case, I think the rhyming verse is the superior one. The meter forces you to use simpler language, which (for me) is much more preferable to your word choices in the free-verse, which at times sound a bit forced.
For instance, I think you need to choose between arsenic and midnight, but not both.
In conclusion, I would change the first part to a rhyming, metered form and simplify the language a bit. I would also work more on the meter to get it consistent throughout.
You have an excellent vocabulary and a lot of poetic skill. I think you should write more from the heart instead of the head.
7 years ago
Hi there, i haven't been writing all that long but i have to say you have such a beautiful way of writing i absolutly love this :-)