Comments : Dance Of Death

  • 6 years ago

    by nourayasmine

    Girly, girly, girly! well, what do we have here? a new dark poem? you know what...ask Temps, I was telling her today that I feel like writing a dark poem because I haven't ever tried to write one before, so, I can consider this as an inspiration! :P you penned here a masterpiece that is full of emotions and darkness, sure, ma it is dark:P

    I have few suggestions, young lady:

    1- do not capitalize the first letter in each line.
    2- there are some commas needed, the punctuartion wasn't well-done, so in my opinion, edit this ;)

    Sneaking behind closed doors
    Anticipating for my return
    You stand there in the dark
    Waiting for a moment to earn

    ^^^
    you were talking in the continued present, right? then you put the subjet and used the simple present tense, and this is a mistake:) hon, correct it.

    You hear a sound coming your way
    So you prepare for your next strike
    Every move I make you know about
    As if you can predict me like a psych
    ^^^^
    I love this...:) good job, girl!

    I'm walking down the hallway
    ^^^
    for my part, a little bit cliche.

    My fear is like the fragrance
    That attracts a predator to its prey
    So it triggers the animal in you
    That hunts me back day after day
    ^^^^

    oMGGGGGGG
    i have to say...this is fabuloussssss
    very well-written, my favorite stanzaaaa for sure
    !!!!!!
    nominated, lovely! :):)
    bravooo

    You torture me in various ways
    Helplessly I struggle for a chance
    To take once again a deep breath
    Before you start your last dance
    ^^^^
    a comma after "Helplessly" would help.

    I now became an evidence
    Lying lifeless in your arms
    Still wearing all the bruises
    I collected from your crimes
    ^^^^^^
    I don't think "arms" and "crimes" are original rhymes, they don't even rhyme...:/
    anyways, I loved this piece, good write. ;) keep writing and take care..

  • 6 years ago

    by RSJ

    Darn this hot got to be a winner in any book
    wow it's good

    My fear is like the fragrance
    That attracts a predator to its prey
    So it triggers the animal in you
    That hunts me back day after day

    i'm dazzled, speachless
    5/5s

  • 6 years ago

    by Ruby Red Memories

    Over all you have a really good poem here. I was pulled in from the first lined and my interest was held all the way until the end.

    I think the poem as a whole is really good but for me the following stanza stood out

    "I'm walking down the hallway
    Headed toward the destiny I own
    Just about to open the door
    That would lead to the unknown"

    excellent

    5/5

  • 6 years ago

    by Naughtymouse

    Well meme ..........what can i say.........epic.......amazing........fabulous........none of it seems to fit. that is truely fantastic i was reading it and didn't want it to end! Just perfect :) x

  • 6 years ago

    by Decayed

    My fear is like the fragrance
    That attracts a predator to its prey
    So it triggers the animal in you
    That hunts me back day after day
    ~ I love this.
    great job..

  • 6 years ago

    by Boy

    A kind of a dark poetry.. written very well. the pain and the words speaks in it..

    my favorite stanza...

    You easily can read my thoughts
    The moment I entered the room
    So from the place you last stopped
    Now you're preparing to resume.

    you are a great writer. and its good to know you are improving your writing day bye day.. i love your poetry.. well done..

    keep it up 5/5

  • 6 years ago

    by average thoughts

    Nothing much lft to say..5/5

  • 6 years ago

    by XXMindCrazeXX

    Wow, you wrote this very well :)
    this poem really got my attention, and you tied everything together quite nice.
    great job!! ill be reading and voting for more of your poems :)

  • 6 years ago

    by PinkyPrincess

    Wow, this poem is amazing! I can't believe I didn't read it sooner - I love the title, and the depth of the whole poem. The last three stanzas really affected me and you really hit the reader with your words. I love it! Well done!

  • 6 years ago

    by The Poet Behind The Poems

    I thought this was amazing i loved the last stanza
    I now became an evidence
    Lying lifeless in your arms
    Still wearing all the bruises
    I collected from your crimes

    the way you wrote this was unbelievable really well thought out poem amazing girl x

  • 6 years ago

    by bornapoet

    Wow. this poem is very precise I could see a glimps of what you feel. good job.