I like the detailed description you gave and I think that this poem is really deep. You might want to think about moving it into the dark section though because I think it would fit better there. It was a pleasant read.
You have a real talent for coming up with descriptive metaphors. However, this story wasn't riveting enough to hold my interest the whole way through. I think you should focus more on expressing your own feelings, rather than penning long fictional stories.
BTW, the shorter, second part of the story worked a lot better for me than the longer first half. It seemed to have a more consistent flow and wasn't as scattered as the first part.