Comments : If Only I Would Have Listened.

  • 12 years ago

    by Yakari Gabriel

    "our last embrace lingers
    as a crippled record
    we forgot to foster"

    <3

    I can't..
    I have so much to say
    when I arrive at work and I'm at peace
    I'll comment something better...

    what a winner.

  • 12 years ago

    by Britt

    I love that ending, with the use of 'aloof'. :) This is a typical - Bliss - love poem, definitely :)

    I feel using 'as' twice the way you did read kind of funny to me. The first as I like, but here:

    "as a crippled record"

    I feel doesn't work, and just taking it out would be okay. To me it seems the first and second stanza go so well together, so with that 'as' it seems like you're not quite finishing a thought, or perhaps you did finish a thought beforehand but it didn't really seem like it? Does that make sense? Lol

    Overall this was beautiful. Lu's prompts are awesome and I'm glad you got to write something out of it, too! :D

  • 12 years ago

    by Lu

    As dawn's whisper
    plants a kiss on
    cheeks painted with
    cherry blossom

    our last embrace lingers
    as a crippled record
    we forgot to foster.
    ^^^
    I know commenting on imagery is soooo overused on this site but dang girl, this part paints such a sad picture. I can see two people embracing tightly not really (wanting) to let go. I think your use of "cherry blossom" fits perfectly as cherry blossom can symbolize something that is short lived. So perhaps you mean the kiss was short lived and not near long enough or the relationship was short lived.
    Either way it was a great insertion

    If only hummingbirds
    carried the ability
    to nestle dreams
    beneath their wings
    bestowing promise
    upon a young heart.
    ^^^
    I love this verse for its originality. Very clever how you used the hummingbird, being that they are the only bird able to fly backwards. Perhaps I am reading this wrong but I feel you have used the hummingbird as a symbol for turning back time ?
    I think an addition of another line or two between this verse and the next would link them better though. I just feel like it is missing something ... or perhaps I just want to read more ... lol

    I can strangle my thoughts
    with regrets
    and stumble on chances
    deemed as aloof
    but that won't
    console your smile
    any closer.
    ^^^
    And here is why I found that the hummingbird from your previous verse fit so perfectly. And the turning back of time.

    I am really interested to know if I am reading this correctly. You have painted such brilliant heart -wrenching imagery for me, that I gave it wings of my own and now it is stuck in my head ... lol

    Wonderful read Bliss !!! I am so glad you took the challenge. This is definitely deserving of a nomination in my books.

  • 12 years ago

    by Yakari Gabriel

    "As dawn's whisper
    plants a kiss"

    I tend to have something for poems that start with a certain part of the day it kind of sets a certain emotion to match that specific time, and sets the atmosphere.

    "our last embrace lingers
    a crippled record
    we forgot to foster"

    I adored the use of "foster" here, I like this stanza best out of the whole poem simply because its so cleverly worded.. this had me thinking of being cut short. how the embrace should've been, could've been, so much more but the lovers didn't work at it and left unfinished business lingering somewhere.

    "Chances deemed as aloof"
    ^
    genius.
    I can't find much to say, this like most poetry explains a situation that happens atleast once in every
    ones life, and although this seem to be about two lovers, well almost lovers. you could just sip the meaning from behind it and understand that it is about
    missing chances and then accepting that there is no use in torturing yourself....

    the diction wasn't heavy,but it wasn't simple either
    there were some words here and there that you don't see everywhere the impact of this poem was huge, and that ending just keeps echoing in my mind.
    well done