Oh man double whammy tonight with the suprises of poetry in MM. This poem got to me.....why? Because I have been the girl on the other side of the situation.
Your name was the silence
that I was too afraid to break;
My love a secret,
aching against my lips,
pressed tightly shut.
The title set the pace for the poem we were about to read and you just laid it out there with no inhibitions. Your thoughts and feelings poured onto the page and slipped in my mind and echoed memories of my own past. How many times have we wanted and yearned to tell our feelings but were afraid of the retributions of what it might unfold. Sometimes things are better left unsaid for the sake of our feelings, though we will often wonder what might have been.
And in between the slosh of wine,
and the clink of elegant glasses
Do our eyes meet,
because you also look my way?
Or simply because
you're scanning the room for someone
The closing to this poem is the part that really got me, too many times I have found myself without the confidence of thinking I am good enough for someone. Always listening to the negative and thinking I am never good enough for him, or I am not in his league etc.
You have done an amazing job with this poem as I knew you would when you wrote again. Glad to see something new from you.
Awesome write Nevi, keep it up
6 years ago
I think the title is contradictory by itself. The usage of the term 'wine' can mean that if someone isn't sober he's uninhibited, and the 'inhibition' comes to oppose that.
I like how you build up to the end... it's some kind of real pondering, dude... and it reveals some subtle sadness.
I read this poem when you first posted I have to say I'm impressed, this is different to your usual style in poetry, more vulnerable I guess you could say but even the way it's written is different, I guess you're evolving you Pokemon, you!
I liked the environment you created; it definitely had that forbidden love atmosphere going on. It reminded me of a wealthy family strangely enough, I felt like this was one of those good old fashioned she's a rich girl, he's not good enough movies, but while that wasn't your intention this poem have a couple of twists on the romance, that's what I thought was clever about it. You didn't give too much away.
I particularly liked the technique, in this case onomatopoeia was evident in the use of "slosh" and "clink" such amazing sounding words that roll off the tongue, would never have thought to use the word slosh for describing wine and yet it works well.
The ending was my favourite, so strong, so vulnerable and it's nice to see a man expressing how he feels.
Great job, Evan!
6 years ago
by Mermaid Woman
I had to read this two or three times because it made me feel. It made me feel the powerful desire in the first stanza, and then watch "our" confidence go down the drain within the conclusion.
Perfectly written, and rather moving. I must say though, with the title I believed the end would turn out differently. I thought the wine would give him the courage to overcome the insecurity and inhibitions. That's just me though, I always look for silver lining. ;)
6 years ago
This poem tugged so hard on my heart strings. You painted such a sad picture for the reader....I was very shy myself when I was younger but....I hid it very well by being the loud one...that party person...the one with the smart comment, the best joke etc. so....is it possible this person, who appears so out of reach to you could be just as shy?....just a thought.