I honestly don't know what to say, but I am so glad I stopped by to read this poem. The pain you express so heartbreakingly, and it touched my heart beyond belief that he left gifts for her, memories that would keep reappearing. Tragic doesn't even cover how deep this love was and why he felt like he had to leave the world. You really penned an incredible, chilling, emotional story, a tale that can sadden any heart but also reminds one that even though someone may have passed away, their love is still there, alive. The only other thing I have to say is that near the ending parts, you switched from third person to first and that was the only part I was confused, because you wrote "my" instead of "her".
Beautifully written, really heart-stirring story that grabs the reader, makes it so real.Take care, 5/5
Thank you so much for taking the time to read it, it means so much. :)
I tried to find where I had put my instead of her... and the only place I could find was the "Cassie: My Muse" ...the reason it is like that is because that was the title of a poem he had wrote for her, she was reading it. If that's not it, then I must have over read it, lol.
I'm entirely speechless! I am too glad that I managed to read this but I feel like it should not just be on here but published somewhere. You are so talented at writing stories and you really know how to capture and connect with your readers.
Brilliant, beautiful, sad
6 years ago
by Purple Rose
Oh, Hannah. This made me cry. I'm serious. As soon as I was reading the part where she was watching him on the computer, I felt the tears start to burn my eyes. Then one fell. Dang, I tried to hold them back too :[
I am glad that I took the time read this. It is beautiful, yet heartbreaking. I don't know how you did this, and I don't know if this is true either. I am sure that it is for someone out there, but I hope that you are not one of them...I am almost positive that you are not.
I am speechless with this. Totally speechless.
'She kept feeling of the weight, it was pretty heavy,
kept herself busy trying to guess what was inside.
After what seemed like eternity, her mother arrived back to the car...
scolding me about how rude I had been the entire time.
^ First part of this stanza, 19th one I believe, you do not need the 'of' in the first line. It doesn't really sound right. Also, third line, I would take out the 'back to the car...' part because you don't really need it due to the fact that we know she is already in the car, and again, because it sounds odd. However, if you don't want to, you don't have to.
I think that I am going to nominate this. It is extremely emotional, and I think it deserves to be recognized. I hate to say this, but I believe that this is my favorite of yours so far...
Hey Hannah, these were the only two spots I found it, I read over the beginning parts and understood there were you used first person to kind of give a narrator kind of explanation, I guess you could call it. Yep, I get the "Cassie: My muse" part.
"She quickly explained she didn't open it,
didn't want to invade his privacy or mine..."
but asked with a tear slowly cascading down her cheek
that if he had left me some sort of clue,"
- It just confused me a second, shouldn't "mine" be "hers".
"After what seemed like eternity, her mother arrived back to the car...
scolding me about how rude I had been the entire time.
- edit: "scolding her about how rude she had been..."
It just broke the flow especially in the second part and left me a bit off track. Hope that helped? Thanks again for the read, the story is incredible, especially the way you created the characters...
Wow, now that is a very descriptive piece of writing that travels right through you and clutches your heart..... what a powerful story you have created and have managed to write it so detailed and filled with emotion, excellent job.
The title itself is very powerful, giving justice to the poem and fitting perfectly.
I loved the way you opened the writing with:
" She hasn't left her bedroom since she got the news,
three days has been a century.
- This straight away gives you the state of mind and emotion the character is in. IT creates the mood of the deep depression which is being felt.
I will not review every line as I think I would be here a while, however I will pick out my favourite parts which stuck out most to me.
""Today is the day," her mother states blankly"
- I thought this line was really powerful, because I knew straight away this meant the funeral, I myself had been in this situation and it automatically made me jump back to that day and bring tears to my eyes. A few simple words but yet they hold so much power.
"Flowers...what's the point?
They will die, just like him... so why?
One day perky and colorful the next wilted and dried up.
- This stanza stood out so much to me as again I related to this and the feeling of just pure hopelessness. Like nothing has a point. I think you expressed her emotion and emptiness well in this part.
"After his song, he started to explain the reason for his gifts.
A pair of gloves to keep her hands warm since his no longer could,
his cologne so she would never forget the scent of him,
pictures so she wouldn't ever forget the memories they shared,
the book so she could re-read the poems he had once read to her,
his poems so he could show her that she was his only muse,
and lastly this video so she could watch it again and again and see his face,
hear his voice like he was still here"
- this part really touched me and set my tears flowing! I think it shows the romance of the relationship and gives you more of an insight as to what the other character was like and how deeply he cared for this girl. It was very well penned.
"The answers will never be truly known."
- I kind of hate this line and love it at the same time. It is very clever. In one way it annoys you because you want to know what could have been his reasons, on the other hand you are left to your own devices and have to find the reasons yourself. Its like some of the cliff hanger endings of films where you have to make the ending yourself! I like the mystery though - the fact that you will never know the answer ( again, relating to the power of the title )
Another bit that sticks out to me is the the girl always relates to his eyes, how they shone brighter than the sun. This creates the image that he could brighten up even the darkest of her days just with his eyes.
My advice would be firstly to go through your poem and change all your I's/me's/mine's to her's and she's. You have swapped which perspective you are writing from causing some confusion with which character you really mean. An example of this is :
"A pink CD inside a pink case with my name scribbled on the front,
a slight smile formed across her face,"
You have gone from her, in the previous stanza, to my in the first line, then jumped back to her in the second line. It would make things so much clearer if you changed them all to one perspective.
In the following lines you need to take out the "was" as it doesnt make sense to have it here.
"As she was stepped out and began walking down the hallway,
his mother stopped her... asking for a moment of her time."
Finally, in this following line I am not sure you need the "of" for me it would make more sense without it.
"She kept feeling of the weight, it was pretty heavy"
I think after fixing these errors, the story would flow better without any confusion, giving it the justice it deserves. I am saying this because I actually think your creation is far too good to be left with flaws so please take this as a compliment.
I also have a small suggestion, I am not sure why but it popped into my head as I was reading it a 2nd time. ... I liked the way you ended poem, giving the feeling that he would always be with her, however I think after reading through such a powerful story with lots of powerful lines, you should add in a last line which leaves you with one final powerful statement.
I suggest just adding the line of simply " He would never truly be gone" - which is the point you made in your last line, but this way creates the ultimate power to finish with.
- this is just my opinion though.
This is one of the best pieces of writing I have read on this site. You should be proud of this.
I remember reading this poem, and remember how amazed I was by it.
I know I have already commented it, and there is not much more I can add to the comment. But I have read it again and I still think it is so powerful. It is more like a story - which I think is why many will miss it, which is a shame because the poetic language is strong throughout it and the emotion is really touching.
I challenge you to take this piece and make a smaller poem, or even just a formed poem etc but based on this story. It has a lot of great lines in it that would make a great small poem for the impact you wanted. Just because I like giving out challenges lol.
Said it before, so will say it again... I do love this piece and encourage others to read it if they have not done so! xx
5 years ago
by Marcy Lewis
I don't even know what to freaking say, Hannah. Oh my god. This completely just punched me in the heart.
Can't even comment on this properly. It's in my favorites
"A pair of gloves to keep her hands warm since his no longer could,"
I was already heartbroken, and then I just started sobbing. I think it must be affecting my brain because I can't speak even coherently through the computer. This is soooooo sad. I will probably read it thousands of times and make myself totally sad for this girl, but whatever.
Good. God. You are brilliant. Had I been here months ago and saw this, I would have nominated it and made everyone I came into contact with here - read it immediately. This is amazing.
5 years ago
This is so heartbreaking.. I'm bawling... This is so sad.. But beautiful.