EDIT: Xanthe, this are the words that I learnt from your poem.
Those are a lot, I liked this piece when I read it. I thought it was a narrative poem, about a midnight dream.. but what it was interesting is that it was a daydream.. so you were awake instead of sleeping. And also because it seems that you were looking outside the window..
Which makes me think that it is not a dream but rather something that happened and hence the narrative. I could be wrong.
What I love about your pieces is that they feel real, you have the ability to project your thoughts into the readers mind. Your tone of voice is also really nice, it's hmm relaxing, tranquil. It goes according to the story. I also like what you said about the man, I thought that he made a living out of expressing his poetry. And with the little that he earn went to the store. That was my first thought but then the part about him wanting to be heard made me believe other wise. Perhaps, he had an important message. It adds a bit of suspense because It makes me want to know what is it that he wishes people to hear... what does he want to say?
I also enjoyed the part when you described that he smile, when he didn't noticed the voice of the girl. It seems like he didn't noticed but he did. And there are this little things (details) that are found in this piece that made me like it even more. See I'm not the only one that focus on details. ;)
This was an awesome experiment that I enjoyed reading. It's well written to say the least.
5 years ago
Phew!! I'm glad I didn't post it before. I was about to comment.. I'll come back later.
May I just say I thought this was genuinely inspiring? Your voice is so sincere Xanthe, I loved reading this and coming across this man who may need just a smile everyday to feel like he is heard, and that his heart is needed, noticed.
It was really refreshing how you wrote about him going into the corner store too, and how you watched him, and didn't hesitate to greet him at the end. You introduced this stranger yet I feel peace in my heart that you never know what one kind step can do for someone who may just want to know he's seen and will not be alone. The man reminded me of someone taking a step into a new job or a stepping into a "new skin" for the first time, wanting to leave behind their doubts and insecurities, and wanting to be involved in life. Revived by it.
Breathtaking descriptions, all original in my mind, and the flow here was brilliant. I just found myself being able to read it fast yet take in everything at the same time. This really touched my heart.
Thank you for sharing!!! :) I learned a new word too in the title, so this is you daydreaming at midnight, what great pondering....it really brought me into this whole scene
^^ Wrong! Perhaps it needs minor editing, writers tend to be hard on themselves after all, but it is extremely good. The idea in itself is well thought.
A smile can brighten anyone's day and can make someone feel like they are noticed, or in this case 'heard'. This piece has quite a strong message, and it's written both with simplicity and complexity. It's intricate in it's design but speaks volumes to the reader.
Your use of imagery is outstanding - I felt like I was watching the man myself go about his daily ritual.
Amazingly, it flowed really well also. With the free-style layout, this sometimes isn't the case, but you have pulled it off.
Sweet one Xanthe! and really very good..as always are your poems!!!
5 years ago
Xanthe...I have read in a comment above mine that you were thinking about deleting this? Seriously? Come on...no way are you deleting this :P If you delete this, I will hunt you down and force you to put it back up >:) (this is an evil face, so beware...). If I was still on my old account, I would've nominated this, but I can't since I don't have nominator status anymore!!! This sucks by the way :(
I have also read your profile, and I am pretty sure that this is a poem about the same man. It is heartbreaking to read such a thing like this, because I can't do a thing about it. It also reminds me of myself when I have gotten extremely depressed.
'I sit on the edge of my bed as though it is I,
who was trespassing, rather than the
waning crepuscular light seeping through
my begrimed window.'
^ 'Crepuscular' and 'begrimed.' Very sophisticated words, especially the first. I have never heard of any of them before, so of course I had to look them up. I have to say though that they might be a little too sophisticated? At least for me...they kind of took away from the poem (for me) for some reason, but that might be because my brain is a simple minded one :) I love simple. However, one always benefits from learning new words :)
'Just down the street, at this hour of the day,
there is a man in my neighborhood who
lives alone under an eburnean roof,
pacing back and forth - waiting, waiting.
He smears his lips with poetry and prays
with unborn words on his wrists just to be
^ Beautiful imagery here. I can just imagine this man doing that...walking back and forth while reading poetry, and maybe trying to write a poem? 'Smears his lips'...lot of things can be derived from that sentence, but maybe I am looking too far into it?
I like how you put 'heard' alone here. It is such a simple action that anyone can do, but sadly most of us do not do so because we have other things on our minds. Because of this, some people take extreme measures just to be noticed...it is awful at times. Suicide, cutting, acting out in anger, etc. All are ways to gain attention, and be heard.
'As twilight's fingertips stroke the Earth's
rosy hemispheres, he quaffs down the
last drop of courage from his coffee cup
and with sweaty palms, he twists the
door knob; leaving printless feet on the
^ The word that probably got to me the most here was 'printless.' You keep on enforcing the thought that people think that this man doesn't matter, or that he is nonexistent. Printless means not making any impression, right? Or basically that...I tell you, it is heartbreaking.
'He pays for it; she thanks him, asks him
to come again soon. But he never notices
how passive she speaks, nor does she
notice his smile as he walks out the door.'
^ If this is true, I have to disagree with the 'But he never notices how passive she speaks' part. I have a feeling that he does, but he is so starved for a connection with someone, that he doesn't really care. My heart just cracked. This also evokes some anger within me as well, because I can only imagine what it feels like to be him at this moment. I wish you would have somehow mentioned what the age is of the man...young/old. Depending on the age, it might have made the reader more sympathetic.
Today, I saw a man crossing the street
toward the grocery store by the corner.
I didn't hesitate to greet him a good
^ Beautiful ending. An uplifting one, I must say :) Unfortunately, I have to admit that I would probably be one of those people who do not say anything. Not because I don't want to, but because I am awfully shy :( it is sad. If I had the guts, I would say 'good evening' or a 'hello' to everyone I see, but I don't. Pathetic, isn't it?
Like I said, if I had the nominator status, I would have nominated this one. However, I was quite stupid :( How dare you say this was a bad poem! You have about what...at least 6 people who say it isn't and more to come too! Don't ever tell me that your poetry is bad, because it makes me angry that you think so. I am still jealous of your work, I must say :P
I am glad that you wrote this, because it tells a story about a lonely man. If this is true (I never know when it is) then you are making it so that people can 'hear' him :] Well done. I love this.
"Experimenting. Not good, I know"
Uhmmm, excuse me but are we reading the samething here?? LOL, what do you mean not good huh?? If what I think is AMAAAAZING you see is not good, then what would I make of what you think is actually good?? I think you would kill me then, hehe
Ohhhhh I love it, so much love it.. The format you adopted in this piece is really great. The pauses you had all through the poem just gave it an extra touch.
Never doubt you writings hun, and keep it up ;)
5 years ago
Xanthe this is awesome.
You show huge compassion for somebody else in this piece. You have noticed a small detail in somebody elses life rather than your own. Shows you have a very caring side.
Some of the descriptive text is fantastic
I like how you tell the story and are obviously very talented.
Not only I am adding you to my favourite authors, I am using my second vote for this, purely for the depth in this piece.
Dont delete it!!!!!!!!!!!!