A beautiful write... I too liked the opening... The flow is good, though it is a prose poetry and the message of the poem is conveyed through... U have given an indepth feel of every movement and so it hooks the reader throughout... I could imagine every line u wrote. it sets an imagery.
5 years ago
by Mr Rush
I have to confess I'm not an expert on prose poetry, however from my limited understanding I believe the theme and narrative style of this is an ideal fit for the form.
Part of me wonders if you really wanted to make this a poem though - I feel like this is a little overpunctuated, particularly with commas, and some of them seem to fall in places where there could be a line break if it was a poem.
Also, the central alignment is strange in a prose piece, and makes the very short lines awkward to read. I would recommend an orthodox left-align for anything and everything written in a prose form.
Onto the content itself; I like the undercurrent beneath this one, it lends itself well to an idea of an intense love affair! The sense of physical addiction is depicted in a clever way which definitely aims to show rather than tell, and seeing the narrator going cold turkey makes for an uncomfortably insightful read.
I really like what you have here, and I think with a little bit of editing it would be even better.